


Instruments of Darkness

by AHopefulVoice



Category: Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins
Genre: Angst, Drug Use, F/M, Forced Prostitution, Miscarriage, Mockingjay Spoilers, Romance, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-21
Updated: 2014-07-21
Packaged: 2018-02-09 16:59:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 21,951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1990629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AHopefulVoice/pseuds/AHopefulVoice
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Love is weird.  [Novella in three parts; Finnick/Johanna & Finnick/Annie]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part I

**Author's Note:**

> This was first written during summer 2012, significantly edited and revamped November 2013, and is finally being uploaded here. I expect this piece will go through another major edit after each Mockingjay film. The lyrics quoted are from songs I found to be heavily influential to each part of this. The title comes from William Shakespeare's Macbeth. This piece is in three parts, like each book in the Hunger Games trilogy.
> 
> This is probably my favorite piece I've ever written. I poured my heart into this, and I hope it shows. If Johanna and Finnick seem out of character, it is intentional. The two protagonists are broken people in a broken world. Their journey is one I am most proud of. It is not an easy road for the two of them, but will hopefully be an enlightening one for you, dear reader.
> 
> Thank you, and enjoy.

**Instruments of Darkness (Act I, Scene iii)**

**_(And oftentimes, to win us to our harm, / The instruments of darkness tell us truths.)_**

* * *

  _Part I_

  _“Next time I’ll be braver, I’ll be my own savior.” –_ Adele, “Turning Tables”  
 _Just after the 68_ _ th_ _Hunger Games_

She knows that the bodies were left there on purpose.  The official story is that the father was drunk and shot his wife and daughter while the other was in the Capitol, and then shot himself.  A tragic ending to a tragic story.  But Johanna Mason knew the truth behind the facade.

And it was her fault.

Because Johanna, the victor of the 68th Hunger Games, refused to cooperate with President Snow’s plans to prostitute her out to the wealthy citizens of the Capitol, her family was killed before she ever got to see them.

The Peacekeepers had escorted her to her new home in the Victor’s Village and then broke the news that there had been a tragic accident.  Before they even got to explain anything, Johanna had understood and rushed through the familiar forests to her family’s home in the middle class area of District 7 (if there really could be an upper class.  It seemed to be lower and middle, with the Peacekeepers and Mayor being the upper class.).  A sense of dread had washed over her when she saw that the front door was slightly ajar.

And now, Johanna lies against the floor, where the blood has pooled.  She doesn’t care if she gets her family’s blood on her.  Her hands are already stained.

Most of the tears have come and gone, and Johanna silently sobs what few tears she has left.  It didn’t seem fair.  Hell, it _wasn’t_ fair.  And as difficult as it is to admit, Johanna knows that there is no one to blame but herself.  It was because of her selfish desires to protect herself that her family had been butchered by the Peacekeepers, and her father framed of the crime.

When she refused Snow’s offer, Johanna hadn’t been thinking of her family, but of herself.  By refusing to cooperate, Johanna had sealed her family’s fate.  Johanna was the true killer.  Her selfish desires to save her own innocence had killed her family.  What was a few nights spent with the Capitol elite compared to her family’s safety and well-being?  She wished she could go back in time and fix this.

Yes, her father had been an alcoholic.  Yes, her mother had been too afraid to ever say anything.  And yes, her sister had obviously been the favorite of both parents and the entirety of District 7.  But at least they would have acted selflessly and given themselves up to the Capitol’s demands to save the rest of their family.  Johanna couldn’t claim any selflessness.  She was the epitome of selfish.

So while the tears fall, mixing with the blood on the hardwood floors, Johanna feels weaker and weaker.  Gone was the fierce warrior she had become in the arena, and here is the image Johanna had created for herself back at the start.  If only the Capitol could see her now.

A night came and went, with no sleep.  Johanna had murdered sleep.  She would be haunted by her family and those she had killed in her dreams.  But maybe in her dreams, she could change her fate.  Maybe she could go back and accept Snow’s proposal, sparing her family from the horrible death and reputation that was marked on the gravestones that would be made.

But that would be too good to be true.

No, Johanna was stuck in reality—a world where her own selfish acts had killed her family and quite possibly her own sense of self.  Because as messed up and broken as her family had been, they were still family, and Johanna couldn’t possibly be more broken than she is now.  After all, how could she cope with the fact that she had destroyed her own family?

As the sun rises, filling the windows of the small wooden house—built by her own grandfather—just as Johanna remembered from growing up, the guilty young woman stands, walks silently through the dense woods where she had spent countless hours with her father, learning the family trade.  She steps into her own house and tries washing the blood off of her body with cold water.  As hard as she scrubs, there are still spots of blood on her hands.  There always will be spots of blood on her hands.

Johanna changes clothes and walks back outside, heading toward the town square, where she might be able to see a doctor.

Surely some morphling would heal her heart, or at least make the blood on her hands disappear for a while.

* * *

  _“I, oh, must go on standing; you can’t break that which isn’t yours.  I, oh, must go on standing; I’m not my own, it’s not my choice.” –_ Regina Spektor, “Après Moi”  
 _Just after 68_ _ th_ _Hunger Games_

Every day was the exact same for Finnick Odair.  He woke up, went home, took a cold shower, spent the day at various political functions, went to dinner with his most recent Capitol lover, spent the night with her.  Lather, rinse, repeat.  Repeat.  Repeat.  Repeat.

It never changed.  The only times Finnick had to himself were the early mornings where he laid in the dark, trying to ignore the breathing of the person beside him, or the few nights that he had to himself in his own apartment by the City Circle.  Those wonderful nights he spent in solitude were the only reason he kept his sanity.  Well, the silence of solitude and scotch.

He only put up with this to protect his family.  His dad, who was everything Finnick wanted to be, his mom, who Finnick had always been close to, and even his younger brother, who Finnick had not necessarily seen eye to eye with.  However, family was important in District 4, and Finnick Odair would never neglect his family.

There were times when Finnick wanted to go to President Snow and say that he was done, but he knew that refusing to cooperate would only spell doom for his family.  And Finnick couldn’t do that.  He couldn’t even think of it, because somehow, Snow would find out.  Finnick lived in constant fear that the tyrant would even learn of his growing feelings for Annie Cresta—his best friend from growing up’s little sister.

The only times he allowed himself to think of Annie were late at night and times like this—when Finnick was sitting on the beach staring out at the ocean, watching the sunset.  He didn’t know what he felt for Annie, but the feeling he got in his stomach whenever he saw her told him that it was more than just friendship.  And when he thought of her being reaped (because she was still of age), Finnick wanted to personally strangle anyone who could have put her name in that glass bowl.

The color of the sky varied from orange over the ocean to a deep blue behind him.  Fishing boats in the distance were black.  Gentle waves crashed on the shore, occasionally moving up to tickle Finnick’s feet.  This was his comfort zone—the beach outside his childhood home at sunset.  He was happiest in the water, but felt the most at ease on the sand.  How long had he been out here?  Finnick always lost track of time.

He felt someone sit down next to him, a comfortable presence.  Long, wavy brown hair tickled his bare shoulder.  “I brought you some cookies as a welcome home gift, Finnick.  We all missed you,” a familiar voice said.  Finnick refused to turn and look into her eyes, afraid that someone would take that as romantic feelings and report it to Snow.

Out of caution and a longing for Annie’s safety, Finnick said nothing.  Besides, he was always better off in silence.  Then he wouldn’t mistake his company’s words with the voices in his head.

“You were gone for a long time, Finnick,” Annie said softly, tentatively putting her hand on his knee.  He flinched and she removed her hand.  Finnick mentally groaned.  He loved when she touched him.

But because he knew that he would end up falling for her, and killing her, Finnick merely said, “Go away, Annie.”

She sighed, but complied, standing up and leaving the ceramic plate of cookies next to him.  He heard her quiet footsteps fade away, and resisted the urge to look back at her.  Finnick kept his gaze on the water.  Everyone was safer if he stayed reclusive while at home.  He only needed to be outgoing when on camera.  But how could he know if he wasn’t?  When was he really safe?

Finnick sighed, feeling tears come to his eyes.  No one was safe, not even the great Finnick Odair, and especially those close to him.  How could anyone he loved be safe when he didn’t own himself?  He was a slave to the Capitol, and if he cared for anyone, he gave the Capitol the tiny bit of control he still had over himself.  And if he passed over that minute sliver of independence, he had turned his loved ones into slaves to the Capitol as well, just maybe not as bonded as himself.  Finnick had been branded as the Capitol’s whore.

So yes, solitude was safest for everyone.

* * *

  _“But I will hold on hope and I won’t let you choke on the noose around your neck.” –_ Mumford and Sons, “The Cave”  
 _69_ _ th_ _Hunger Games_

Johanna is miserable.  The Capitol is terrible.  It has been six months since she came here for the Victory Tour.  Normally, the victors are given a few years off before having to mentor.  Johanna isn’t that lucky.  She’s the only female victor left in District 7, and the gamemakers won’t allow two male mentors per district.  And so Johanna is forced to mentor tributes older than her sixteen years just one year after winning the Games herself.

The tributes don’t take her seriously.  Why should they?  Johanna knows that she comes across as unapproachable and rude and uncaring.  The simple answer is that she doesn’t want to be approached, isn’t nice, and doesn’t care.  The more complicated answer is that she doesn’t want them to die and wants to block the memories of her own Games.  The real answer is that she wishes she could go back into the Games and die.

Blight probably wants to strangle her right now because instead of being with her tributes, Johanna is aimlessly wandering the Training Center, briskly walking in the opposite direction if she hears footsteps or senses an incoming presence.  She wants to clear her thoughts and not think about where she is or why she is here.  People call her reclusive and it’s probably true, but wouldn’t they be if everything had been taken from them, too?  Johanna is friendless, family-less, and freedom-less.  That’s enough to drive anyone to depression, or at least a morphling addiction which Blight had cut in on after only two months, much to Johanna’s dismay.

Eventually, Johanna finds herself on the roof.  She stares up at the stars and wonders what it’s like to fly, or maybe what it’s like to fall.  After all, isn’t flying merely falling?  She wonders how far it is to the ground and how painful the landing would be.

But her depressed thoughts are interrupted by a sniff that comes from behind her.  Wanting to be alone, Johanna frowns, but realizes that she is the one intruding, not the other person.  She figures that he or she probably wants to be alone, but hearing them cry makes her want to cry, too, and she thinks that maybe two criers should sit together.  So Johanna walks towards the sound of the crying and, nestled between a large mechanical object that Johanna didn’t know the name of and the walls of the stairway back to civilization (or is it hell?), sits Panem’s resident heartthrob, Finnick Odair.

Part of Johanna wants to make a joke and ask why the tough guy is crying, but she knows that such a comment would be mean and she really doesn’t feel like acting like a snob when really she just wants to cry with him.

She doesn’t ask, but simply sits down next to Finnick.  Neither says anything, but Johanna knows that he must be wondering why she’s here.  Johanna can’t help it but the tears that were never allowed to fall for the last year begin to come.  Only a fragment of Johanna’s sad mind wonders why Finnick is crying when he has the perfect life.  When would the great Finnick Odair ever have to cry?

Obviously, now.

Johanna doesn’t mean to, but she blurts out, “He killed my family.  And I’m afraid.”  The tears fall harder and Finnick grabs her hand, squeezing it gently.

“Me, too,” he says.  They continue to sit in silence, staring at the dark skies through blurry eyes.  Finally, Finnick breaks the sound of despair and asks, “How hard would it be to jump off the edge of the building?”

Johanna shrugs, wiping tears off her cheeks with her free hand.  “I don’t know.”

More silence.

“I don’t think I can do this,” Johanna whispers so softly that she doesn’t know if Finnick heard.

Finnick squeezes her hand.  “Sure you can.  It gets easier, for the most part.  The voices stick around for a while until you get so used to them that they disappear.  The guilt fades because you realize that everyone is guilty.  The nightmares don’t stop.  They’ll plague your nights until you’re afraid to sleep.  But then someone sensible will give you something to ease the pain for a while.  And the fear…it never leaves.  At least not for me.  I’m constantly afraid that he’ll kill them.”

“He already has,” Johanna answers.  “I guess I’m lucky.”

“No, you’re not.”  Finnick pauses briefly.  “None of us victors are.  The lucky ones are the ones who get to die in the arena.  I think about dying every day, but only my family keeps me here.”

“I don’t have anyone,” Johanna says.  “I should just throw myself off the edge of the building.  Everyone would be better off.”

Finnick sighs, “Don’t say that.  I—we have to be here for each other.  To check up on each other.  To save each other.  I won’t let you fall.”

Johanna turns her head and looks into Finnick’s eyes for the first time.  She can’t help but admit that they’re a gorgeous sea green, shining from the tears.  Squeezing his hand, she looks away.  “Even if I don’t want you to?”

A pause.  “Especially if you don’t want me to.”

* * *

  _“Don’t look so sharp, don’t judge so harsh, you don’t know you’re only spying.” –_ Regina Spektor, “Firewood”  
 _70_ _ th_ _Hunger Games_  

 “Finnick, calm down,” Johanna says, not even bothering to look up from her Capitol tabloid.  She is sitting on Finnick’s sofa with her feet up on the coffee table.  “You look fine.”

“Unlike you, Johanna,” he says sullenly, “I have a reputation to uphold.”

“The reputation of a hooker,” she says under her breath.

Rolling his eyes, Finnick says, “I heard that.”  Johanna looks up and scowls at him.  “Come on, Jo, you know I look sexy.”

“Sure,” she says, not bothering to look up again.  “And don’t call me Jo.”

Finnick sighs, turning back to the mirror to fix his bow tie.  “Just get used to it.  Johanna is a mouthful, and half the time it sounds like ‘Joanna’, and I know you hate that.  Therefore, Jo is what I’m going to call you.  After all, that’s what best friends are for.”

“Whoever said we were best friends?” Johanna asks, raising her eyebrows and catching Finnick’s eyes in the mirror’s reflection.

He feigns confusion.  “What do you mean?  Who doesn’t want to be friends with this?”  And as usual when acting like a complete tool (as Johanna thought), Finnick strikes a pose that was considered by the woman in the Capitol as seductive.  Mostly, it just makes Johanna sick.

“Ugh,” she groans, turning back to the tabloid.  “I can think of lots of people.”  She could practically hear Finnick rolling his eyes as he put his dinner jacket on.  Johanna turns the page of the magazine, and groans as she looks at the pictures that the paparazzi had taken of victors around the Capitol.

Finnick walks over to his kitchen and pours himself a glass of single malt scotch.  “Are you sure no one saw you come into the building?”

Johanna is the one to roll her eyes this time.  Tucking her legs up under her, she says, “Yes, Finnick, I am absolutely positive that no one saw me come into the building that _anyone_ could live in.”

“We have reputations to uphold, Johanna.  We…I have family to protect.”

She knows she is in trouble when he uses her full name.  Johanna tries to ignore the inkling of hurt in her heart when he uses her lack of family against her.  But as typical of Johanna, she says, “And it would do no good for Finnick Odair and Johanna Mason to be sleeping together.  I know.”  She rises, slipping her shoes on, and heads for the door.  “And I won’t be coming back.”  

She is about to open the door when Finnick stops her.  “Are you really wearing that to the dinner tonight?”

Johanna rolls her eyes and turns around.  “Does it matter?”

Finnick sighs, putting his glass back on the counter.  “What you wear to a club on the weekend is not what you wear to a dinner given by the president.”

“Well, don’t you sound like Cecelia?  I look fine.”

“I’m just looking out for you, Jo.  You’re my friend.  If you make trouble for Snow, he’ll make trouble for you.”

Johanna sighs.  “I really don’t give a damn what Snow thinks of me.”  She turns to the door but is once again interrupted.

“Do you care what _I_ think?”

Johanna’s hand hesitates on the doorknob.  What does she think?  _Does_ she care what Finnick thinks?  Johanna turns, meeting Finnick’s eyes.  “What _do_ you think?”

Finnick represses a grin, knowing that he’s won this battle.  “I think you should look nicer for the victors’ dinner.  The interviews are tomorrow night and we want to keep Snow happy so he doesn’t have our tributes killed.”

“Mine don’t stand a chance,” Johanna says.  “The boy is cocky and the girl is twelve.  You saw their scores.  They won’t make it past the bloodbath.”  She hesitates, choosing her words carefully.  “But if it means that much to you, I’ll change.”

“Good,” Finnick says, walking into his bedroom.

Johanna follows.  “What are you doing?”  She pauses in the doorframe, feeling it an invasion of privacy to enter his private space.  Finnick pulls a floor length dress out from his closet.  “What is _that_?”

“You may not be accustomed to it,” Finnick says with a spark in his eye, “but it’s called a dress.  Civilized women wear them.”

“Then what am I wearing?” Johanna asks, referring to her clothing—short and sequined, a gift from a fan that Johanna would usually have ignored but she needed a dress last minute.

Finnick smirks.  “An undersized dress that is entirely too tight.”

“Am I,” she pauses briefly, posing in a ‘Finnick-worthy’ seductive pose, “ _distracting_ you?”

“Completely,” he says, rolling his eyes.  “Put it on.  I got it for you.  I have more money than I know what to do with.”

“So do I,” she points out, stripping to her undergarments, knowing that Finnick wouldn’t really care.  Strangely enough, he averts his eyes politely until she has slid the purple dress over her head.  “How did you know my size?” she asks, but then answers her own question, scowling all the time.  “Aurelia.  That b—” 

Finnick holds up a hand to stop her, shaking his head.  “You look really nice, Jo.”

She scowls at the nickname, but crosses her arms and mutters, “Thanks.”  Johanna glances in the mirror and exclaims, “Finnick!  How is this not inappropriate?  My boobs are practically hanging out!”

He laughs.  “You look fine.  Now come on; you have to leave before me so people don’t think we came together.”

“Would it really be so bad if the world knew we were friends?” asks Johanna with a slight frown.

Finnick gives her a sad smile.  “I’m sorry, Jo, but if Snow thinks that I’m shirking my duties, he might take it out on my family.  I don’t want to risk it.”

Johanna nods and says, “I get it. I’ll see you at dinner.”  And then she’s gone.

* * *

_“It started out as a feeling, which then grew into a hope, which then turned into a quiet thought, which then turned into a quiet word.” –_ Regina Spektor, “The Call”  
 _71_ _ st_ _Hunger Games_

Rain taps against the window, drowning out the sound of sobs in the dark room.  Lightning flashes and thunder roars simultaneously, making Johanna jump ever so slightly.  When briefly lit up, the living room looks eerie, as if it were dead.  Johanna rests her head on Finnick’s, even though his body is shaking in her arms.  His head is on her shoulder, staining her shirt with his tears.  They sit on the floor, leaning on the couch, waiting for the storm to pass.

Johanna had been dozing on her couch, occasionally watching her television for a few moments before falling back asleep.  She had been startled at the sound of a knock at her door, but the sight of Finnick standing there, drenched to the bone, had been too much to bear.  Johanna had let him in and he immediately wrapped his arms around her.  She took him to the couch, but he sat on the floor instead, not wanting to get her furniture wet.  Johanna had wrapped her arms around him while he cried.

Finnick had been with a client.  This one was particularly rough.  He wouldn’t tell her who it was.  But just the job itself became overwhelming at times, and Finnick often felt sad from his circumstances and angry with himself for allowing himself to continue with this.  But then he thought of his family and slept with another patron.  During the Games, like now, he could see up to three people a night.  And then he would show up at Johanna’s door.

Technically, mentors were supposed to stay at the Training Center, but since Johanna’s apartment was so close, she chose to stay there instead.  Finnick wasn’t mentoring this year, but he was required to come to the Capitol anyway, for obvious reasons.

Johanna finds herself crying with the broken young man, for his situation and for him.  It was so unfair.  Johanna was often briefly grateful for not subjecting herself to this torture, but then she remembers that her family had died because of her choices, and she goes back to blaming herself.  After all, it had been three years since her family was killed.  She hates going back to District 7, so every time Finnick comes to the Capitol, Johanna joins him.

That’s what best friends are for.

When she thinks of Finnick as her best friend and realizes that it is his strong and warm body pressed up against her, Johanna gets a feeling in her stomach that she’s never felt before, but often heard her sister describe.  _Butterflies_.  And when he smiles at her in the good times, she _melts_.  And when he gives his false smile to someone else, he fakes it so well that Johanna feels angry.  _Jealous_.

What does she really feel for Finnick?

All the signs point to Johanna liking Finnick as more than a friend.  But how was that possible?  Johanna would never have allowed herself to fall for someone in a world as dangerous as hers.  Yet it happened outside of her control, without her permission.  And she couldn’t stop it.

She feels Finnick breathing, trying to gain control over his sobs.  He is still shaking but he manages to say, “I think I love her, Jo.”

“Huh?” she asks, her heart jumping into her throat.

“Annie.  I think I love Annie.” 

And then her stomach plummets and tears come to her eyes.  As hard as Johanna tries, she cannot control these emotions she feels for Finnick.  But for both of their sakes, especially Finnick’s, Johanna has to fake it.

“I’m so happy for you, Finnick.  She’ll make it home.  I know it.”

In reality, Johanna knows that Annie Cresta has no chance in the arena.  It was a miracle that she had made it past the bloodbath at the cornucopia.  It would be sheer luck if she made it through the first night.  Annie Cresta wouldn’t last much longer in the arena.  Johanna faked weakness during her own Games but really was strong under the tears.  Annie wasn’t strong.  She didn’t have the makings of a victor.  She couldn’t handle this life.  This secret torture that not even the elite of Panem’s Capitol knew about.  These day to day horrors that were inescapable without the help of alcohol or morphling, as so many had learned.

But when Johanna is with Finnick, even if only seeing him from across the room at a victors’ luncheon or briefly during the Opening Ceremonies, she is able to forget the terrible things that had happened in her life.  Johanna is able to think of good things, like the time she knew she would spend with him that night, even if they were both sobbing the whole time before falling asleep on the couch, their hair damp with each other’s tears.

It makes her want to cry that Finnick loves Annie, and not her.  But maybe someday…

Yes, Annie wouldn’t make it out of the arena.  And Johanna would be there for Finnick when she didn’t.

* * *

_“You are my sweetest downfall, I loved you first.”_ –Regina Spektor, “Samson”  
 _72_ _ nd_ _Hunger Games_  

 Johanna is genuinely surprised when Finnick shows up at her apartment in the middle of the day with tears in his eyes.  She had just arrived in the Capitol for the start of preparation for the 72nd Hunger Games.  “Hello,” she says, raising her eyebrows.  As much as she hated to admit it, Johanna had missed him, especially knowing that he was back home in District 4, spending time with his wonderful Annie.  She would _never_ admit to being bitterly jealous of the girl who was growing increasingly insane—just ‘lost’, as Finnick had explained in one of their occasional phone calls.  He was ‘working on bringing her back.’

Even though she knows it’s wrong, Johanna secretly wishes that Annie will be lost forever.

“He wants Annie.”

“What?” Johanna asks, stepping aside so Finnick can come into her apartment.

Finnick takes a deep breath and manages to say, his voice dripping with disgust, “Snow wants to have Annie be one of us…someone like _me_.  A whore.”

Johanna exhales a breath she didn’t realize she had been holding.  “I’m so sorry, Finnick.  I can’t believe—”

He interrupts, “Will you take her place?”

It takes a moment to sink in.  “You’re asking me to…to allow Snow to make me his slut so your girlfriend doesn’t have to?”

Finnick nods tentatively.  “Annie can’t handle it.  She isn’t strong like you.  It’ll break her.”

Tears leap to Johanna’s eyes.  “It’ll break me, too, Finnick!  I’m not as strong as you think I am.”

“Jo, you are so much _more_ than Annie could ever be.  She doesn’t deserve that lifestyle.”

“And I do?”

He is quick to backtrack, to make amends.  “That’s not what I mean.”

Johanna runs a hand through her short hair.  It feels light on her head.  “How can you possibly think you can just come here and beg me to replace your crazy girlfriend as the Capitol’s latest whore?  I had my chance, and my family was killed for it.  Don’t you think it matters to me if I sell myself?  You never think of how these things make _me_ feel, Finnick!”

Confusion crosses his face like he is just realizing this for the first time.  “That’s not what I meant, Jo.  You know that I--”

“What?” she demands, arms folded across her chest to guard herself, to guard her heart from its inevitable break.  She should have seen it coming, ever since Annie Cresta made it out of the arena alive.  “Know that you _what_?  I let you in more than I’ve ever let _anyone_ in, and in return I get asked to go sleep with the whole Capitol just to save one person.  If I didn’t even do that for my family, what makes you think I’ll do it for you?”

He is silent, but she isn’t done.  Now that she’s started arguing, there doesn’t seem to be anything she can do to stop it.

“I’m always taking care of you, and I’m done!  All you are is a big _baby_!  You don’t think of anyone but yourself, you can’t handle the pressure life throws at you.  I always do everything for you, but I won’t do this.  Now get out of my apartment!”  She runs to the door and yanks it open, tears falling freely down her face—the first time she has cried out in the open and not in the dark.  When Finnick is in the hall, she shouts, “And _stay_ out!”  She promptly slams the door in his face, bolting it so he can’t even break his way in.

Deep down, Johanna wishes that he would put up a fight and knock on her door, but as she sinks against the door to the floor with her face in her hands, she can hear him walk away slowly.  Why would he stay?  She had insulted him _and_ Annie.  That was low, even for sarcastic and insensitive Johanna Mason.

She sobs into her fists, knowing that she just ruined the one friendship that she had—the one relationship she had left.  Johanna was a mess, and she was completely aware of it.  Somehow, the thoughts of ruining her friendship with Finnick made Johanna more upset than the thought of working for Snow.  Because she was growing to lo—how was she capable of even thinking that word, the terrible _l-word_?—like Finnick as more than a friend, Johanna knew that she needed that relationship or she, too, would be lost.  It wasn’t as if she wasn’t already broken.  How much more messed up can one person get?

And that was how Johanna made up her mind.

* * *

_“But it was not your fault but mine, and it was your heart on the line; I really fucked it up this time, didn’t I my dear?” –_ Mumford and Sons, “Little Lion Man”  
 _72_ _ nd_ _Hunger Games_

 As soon as he received the message from Snow that he was no longer considering Annie as a potential ‘escort’, as they were called (was ‘Capitol whore’ too much?  Too obvious?), Finnick knew what happened and that he had messed up.

The rain falls and the lightning lights up the dark room, illuminating the figures of Finnick Odair holding a crying Johanna Mason in his lap.  He gently rubs her back and runs his hands through her hair, whispering things along the lines of “Thank you” in her ears.  Finnick knows that she is sorry for the things she said the day before, or she wouldn’t have done this to herself, but he can’t but feel indebted to her forever.

Finnick had wanted to warn her of the things to come before she met with her first client, but he hadn’t seen her since their fight yesterday, and Snow didn’t inform him of his victory until Johanna was already meeting with her first client.  Finnick stayed up, waiting for her, until she had shown up here as soon as she could after the fact, already crying, huddled in a ball on the floor in the hall.  He had picked her up and carried her to the sofa, feeling completely to blame.

So far, it had been two hours of tears inside and rain outside.  Even Finnick had shed a few tears because of his best friend’s fate.  Suddenly, Johanna sits up, looks Finnick in the eyes and says, “You suck.”

He gives a bitter laugh, glad to see that Johanna is back to normal.

“Seriously.  I hate you.”

This time, Finnick can’t control himself.  He actually laughs out loud, followed by a giggle from Johanna, and it isn’t long before they are laughing hysterically because of their horrendous situation.  Once they’re out of breath, Johanna wraps her arms around Finnick’s neck, and hugs him tightly.  Finnick presses his face into her hair, breathing in that familiar Capitol scent with a tinge of unspeakable intimacy.  It disgusts him, but at the same time makes him realize how much Johanna must care for Annie, or at least for Finnick, and how much she must value their friendship.

Knowing all of what Johanna has done for him, Finnick wonders what she feels about him.  Could she possibly have romantic feelings toward him?  Surely not.  Obviously, she respects his relationship with Annie because of the secrecy she helps him to uphold and the simple fact that she agreed to cooperate with President Snow and sell her body so Annie wouldn’t have to.  How did the complication called Johanna Mason really feel about Finnick Odair?  More importantly, what exactly did Finnick feel for Johanna?

“Hey, Jo?” he whispers.  She murmurs faintly in reply, and he knows that she is almost asleep.  “I just want to say thank you.  It means a lot to me that you would do this for Annie.”

She inhales cautiously and softly says, “I didn’t do this for Annie.  I did it for _you_.”

And, somehow, Finnick surprises himself when he answers, “I know.”

* * *

_“It’s getting dark, and it’s all too quiet, and I can’t trust anything now, and it’s coming over you like it’s all a big mistake.”_ –Taylor Swift, “Haunted”  
 _72_ _ nd_ _Hunger Games_

 Weeks of endless torture pass for Johanna and Finnick.  Night after night, they are subjected to their worst nightmares, only to wake up and relive it.  They spend several nights on the floor in each other’s apartments, having exchanged keys long ago.  Even when Finnick isn’t there, Johanna lets herself in, just to feel the comfort of his very presence.  She knows that he does the same at her place.  The tears fall and the pain subsides, but the memories and nightmares will never leave.  Every day, Finnick thanks whoever’s out there that Annie isn’t subjected to this terror, and that he has Johanna as a friend.

To Johanna, District 7 is full of horrible memories and pain and judgments, so she doesn’t spend much time there.  Any time Finnick is in the Capitol because Snow requires him to be (which is frequently), Johanna joins him, knowing that he needs her as much as she needs him in return.  And really, Johanna would much rather spend her copious amounts of free time with Finnick in the place she hates most while he talks about how much he loves someone who isn’t Johanna, than to be alone.  Finnick is worth it.

These nights are often the same.  Whoever is finished with their job goes to the previously agreed upon apartment and waits for the other.  They cry all they can, fall asleep while on the sofa or leaning against it, and wake up just to carry on their business.  Words hardly come anymore.

However, tonight is different.  It’s an old celebration from before the Dark Days, only celebrated in the Capitol, where gift-giving is financially acceptable.  Finnick is sure that it must mean _something_ in the grand scheme of things, but Johanna isn’t sure.  The notion of some higher power controlling all is ridiculous to her.  Surely it would stop this hell of a life they were living.  At this time of year, the Capitol is the coldest and most snow-covered it is all year, and the buildings are all decorated for this ancient holiday called _Christmas Eve_ , followed by _Christmas Day_.

They laugh, for once, while opening the gift they got for each other.  Finnick immediately gets two glass tumblers from the kitchen and opens the bottle of scotch that Johanna got him, knowing he has a certain fondness for it.  Sitting on the floor again, Finnick smiles widely, and toasts, “To victory!”

“And may the odds be _ever_ in your favor!” Johanna adds on, lightly touching her glass to his. They each drink, glad that tonight is merry and not otherwise, as usual.  “Stop being selfish, Finnick; it’s my turn to open presents!  Well, present,” she amended, putting emphasis on the singular form of the word.

“Oh, how selfish of me,” Finnick says grandly.  “I should never take up your gift time.  Now, go on, open it!”  Just for good measure, he adds his characteristic wink on to the end.

Johanna rolls her eyes and rips the wrapping paper into shreds, not caring that someone in a poor district could have used it for something.  Upon seeing the box in her hands, Johanna is slightly confused.  Make that _really_ confused.  “It’s a…doll.”

“No!” Finnick argues. “It’s a genuine Finnick Odair action figure!  So you can cuddle with me all the time and whisper your secrets in my open ears, like the rest of the world.”

She laughs.  “Yes, because _that’s_ what we do.  Don’t worry; mini-Finnick is now my most prized possession.  I shall treasure him always.”

“As it should be,” Finnick adds on, beginning to feel a little tipsy from all the alcohol he has consumed.  Even Johanna can admit to feeling a little lighter.  “And I figured that you could put pins in it if someone was really on your nerves.  I mean, I would appreciate lots of hugs and cuddles, but pins are fine, too.”

Johanna cracks a smile and shakes her head.  “You’re impossible.”

“But adorable!”

“If you say so.”

Finnick smiles softly and stares at Johanna.  She can’t help but admit that she wants to be lost in his sea-green eyes forever, as terribly girly as that sounds.  Johanna’s smile grows the tiniest bit, and her stomach gets that funny butterfly feeling when Finnick touches her hair, leaning in slowly.  His lips touch hers, and Johanna feels _special_ , for once, but then reality hits and she pulls away.

The eyes penetrating the walls she had built look confused, and Johanna quickly says, “Annie—”

Finnick takes a deep breath and says, tears coming to his eyes, “She doesn’t underst—she will _never_ understand.  I have to feel something.  I never _feel_ anything.  I need purpose in life; I can’t just be idle anymore.  I _need_ this.  I…I need _you_ , Jo.”

She gives the tiniest of smiles before she kisses him, his tears wetting her cheeks.  A few brief kisses are exchanged before it becomes more heated, with feelings growing in Johanna she hasn’t known.  She wraps her arms around his neck and tangles her fingers in his hair.  Finnick pulls her close to him and they get to their knees to be closer.  Soon, Finnick lifts Johanna up and she wraps her legs around his hips, never breaking the passionate kiss.

Finnick stands and carries her across the space to his bedroom, into a territory rarely breached by either of them, especially not _together_.  Only stopping to pull his shirt over his head, Finnick maneuvers skillfully through the apartment.  Johanna can’t even describe the warm feeling of his bare chest against her still-clothed body.

He sets her down on the bed, and tentatively, yet breathlessly, asks, “Jo, are you—”

“Yes,” Johanna interrupts, pulling him down to kiss him.  “More than anything.”

And so, after years of friendship and months of mutual understanding, Finnick and Johanna become more beneath a moonless sky.

* * *

_“I remember tears streaming down your face when I said I’ll never let you go, when all those shadows almost killed your light.  And I remember you said, ‘Don’t leave me here alone’.  But all that’s dead and gone and past tonight.” –_ Taylor Swift, “Safe and Sound”  
 _After 73_ _ rd_ _Hunger Games_  

These days, it’s rare when Finnick Odair is able to get away from the Capitol long enough to go home.  But after the death of his father in a fishing accident (which may or may not be a real accident), and the subsequent death of his mother from heartbreak, Finnick is allowed to go home for as much time as he needs.  He knows that it will only be for a month or so because the 73rd Victory Tour will interrupt his peace.

This precious time spent at home is often on the beach with Annie, who is growing increasingly further into herself.  Finnick holds her hand for hours, occasionally trying to get her to speak.  He draws pictures in the sand and often writes _Annie Odair_ before quickly erasing it, afraid that anyone will see it.  Not that it really matters, because his Annie has already been taken from him.

A particularly large wave crashes on the sand, the water rushing up to tickle the toes of the broken man and the lost woman.  And then all hell breaks loose.

Annie begins to scream, covering her ears and squeezing her eyes as tight as possible.  Finnick immediately wraps his arms around her, trying to calm her down.  She thrashes and fights him for a few seconds, but then his strong arms pull her against his bare chest and he repeatedly kisses her hair.  Eventually, the violent spell passes, and Annie turns to cry against Finnick’s chest.  He gently rubs her back, and tells her, “Don’t worry, Annie, I’ll be here.  I’ll _always_ be here.  I love you, Annie.”

These words ignite guilt in Finnick’s heart.  He knows that Mags can take care of Annie while he is in the Capitol, praying that the world forgets about Annie Cresta, but it breaks his heart that he can’t be with her all the time.  He feels dirty when thinking of all the people he sleeps with in the Capitol, but knows that he does it to keep Annie safe.  Finnick wishes he could explain things to her so she wouldn’t always be left in the dark, but he knows that it could jeopardize her safety and she wouldn’t understand.

Finally, one of the moments that Finnick does all this work for comes.  “Finnick?” Annie mumbles.

The man in question looks down at her with a smile.  “Yes?”

Annie smiles at him and says, “How long will you be here?”

“All day.”

“No, I mean, how long will you be _here_?”

Finnick sighs, puts one of his many false faces, and lies, “As long as you need me, Annie.”

She exhales, visibly relaxing.  “I’ll always need you, Finnick.”

He wishes he could promise to be here forever, but Finnick knows that such a promise would be impossible to keep.  Staring out into the sea, Finnick wonders if they could run away, and get away from the lies and secrets and Games.  Away from the nightmares and the memories.  They could make it, him and Annie.  A detailed plan starts to evolve in his mind, but then, for the first time since arriving in District 4, Finnick remembers to think of Johanna.

Just thinking about her makes him feel like an adulterer.

If she knew what he was thinking, Finnick would surely be cussed out, beat down, and yelled at for even daydreaming of such a stupid idea.  They would never make it, because Annie would always have nightmares and they would always be running, even if there _was_ somewhere else to go out there.  

Finnick sighs, knowing that Johanna would feel betrayed if he left Panem without telling her.  He really was her only friend.  Occasionally, Johanna would play nice with the other children, but it was only ever with Haymitch, Chaff, or Blight.  And it was rare.  Johanna was often considered the black sheep of the victors.  No one really liked her because she came across as rude, self-centered, and insensitive.  Finnick knows he is lucky to know the real Johanna—a sad young woman who is just as broken as everyone else.

Annie shifts to draw back and look up into Finnick’s eyes.  “Do you love me?” she asks, as simply as if she were asking if the ocean was full of fish.

Only slightly surprised, Finnick answers, “I’ll always love you, Annie.”

Making up his mind, Finnick leans in and gently kisses Annie for the first time.  Damn the odds.


	2. Part II

_Part II_

* * *

  _“I’m the hero of this story, don’t need to be saved.” –_ Regina Spektor, “Hero”  
 _74_ _th_ _Hunger Games_

Arriving in the Capitol with her tributes for the 74th Annual Hunger Games, Johanna realizes that she really hates life.  More specifically, she really hates _her_ life.  She steps off the train and onto the platform behind her tributes.  They stare at all the Capitol crowds, petrified.  Johanna rolls her eyes and gives a snarky smile and half wave to the crowds, followed by a rude gesture.  No one seems really surprised, even if Blight does elbow her in the ribs.

They move along the cleared path, guided by Peacekeepers when Johanna sees Finnick out of the corner of her eyes.  She looks at him and gives a harsh smile.  Might as well stay in character.  He winks at her and those damn butterflies return.  Playing it off, Johanna flips him off, too.  His turns away after giving her a meaningful glance towards the fancy watch on his wrist.

Johanna follows her tributes into the Remake Center, where they are pulled away by their prep teams.  Inwardly groaning, Johanna rides in the elevator with Blight to where the mentors have to get hair and makeup done.  Knowing that she would most likely mess it up at some point today, Johanna relaxes in the lounge, planning on getting ready at another time.  Some of the more popular victors, like Finnick, require more time to look spectacular, but the others that no one seems to care about, like Johanna, don’t.

She sits in the lounge with her feet up on the coffee table, and stares out the window with a cold frown.  Without even looking, she hears a very loud Haymitch enter the room.  “Hey look, assholes, I’m sober!” he shouts.  Surprised, Johanna turns.  A few other mentors do the same.  Johanna raises her eyebrows.  He lazily throws himself down in a chair, and continues, “Looks like I have some tributes with a chance this year.  Made me promise to stay away from the alcohol.”

Normally, these types of words are frowned upon, but as no careers are in the room, and half of the mentors don’t give a damn, Haymitch is not violating an unspoken law.  Besides Johanna, the only others in the room are Chaff, who sits next to Haymitch (obviously drunk), Cecelia, and Trixa, from 5.

Rolling her eyes, Johanna focuses her attention back on the outside world.  As usual, her tributes don’t stand much of a chance at all.  But based on the footage of this year’s Reapings, her money is on any of the tributes of 1 or 2, and maybe the boy from 11.  Not even Finnick’s tributes look promising.  But maybe this year will be interesting.  Whatever the arena is like, it’s sure to be a boring year compared to next, as the third Quarter Quell is next year.  Johanna tries not to think of what it will be like mentoring _those_ tributes.  She grimaces inwardly, concentrating on keeping her face passive.

Time passes, and the lounge becomes more and more crowded.  Without even casually gazing over her shoulder, Johanna senses Finnick a few feet behind her, laughing with Gemma from 1 and Vulcan from 2.  Sometimes, Finnick really gets on her nerves.  He is so good at being a playboy, she believes it.  It’s only at night, when they’re together, that she remembers who he really is.

After years of friendship, and this last year and a half of more, Johanna has only started to begin seriously sorting out her feelings for the many-faced Finnick Odair.  She is annoyed by him when he is in the presence of the other mentors or on camera.  She hates him when he talks about Annie.  She loves him when they’re alone in the middle of the night.

Yes, Johanna Mason has come to the conclusion that she loves Finnick Odair.

But it’s wrong.

She knows that it isn’t right for her to love someone who is practically married to someone else, even though they’re sleeping together and have been for a long time.  He knows everything about her and that scares her.  Johanna only wants him to be happy, so she doesn’t tell him these feelings.  But she thinks he knows, as well as some of the other mentors that Finnick is really close to.

And to the rest of Panem, especially those in the Capitol, Johanna must hate Finnick Odair, for his sake.

* * *

_“He would try to take away my pain and he just might make me smile, but the whole time I’m wishing he was you instead.” –_ Taylor Swift, “Haunted”  
 _74_ _th_ _Hunger Games_

Johanna lies on her side, staring at the Capitol lights outside of the open windows of Finnick’s bedroom.  She hates to admit that this is where she is the most comfortable: in his bed, with his arm draped over her side.  Tonight was the night she had first ever said ‘I love you’ in the middle of their intimacy, and she hoped that he thought it was only their physical act speaking, and not real.  And that broke her heart.

Her back is pressed up against his chest and she can feel his heart beat in time with her breathing as she thinks about tonight’s Opening Ceremonies.  Haymitch might’ve been right when he said he had good tributes this year.  They looked amazing.  Their stylist had outdone himself.  Johanna’s tributes, on the other, had not.  As usual, they looked like trees.  Stupid.

His bed really is too comfortable, she realizes.  Johanna could lay here forever and a day, especially with him beside her, his gentle breathing tickling her neck.  The ghost of his kiss returns to her lips, and Johanna smiles to herself.  It was embarrassing how much she cared for him.  She sighs, thinking that she could live like this for the rest of her life—in his arms.  If only that could ever happen.  He was too deep in love with Annie.  And Johanna hated him for that.

She knows that Finnick cares for her, but he would never love her like he loves Annie.  Johanna is too temperamental and too messed up.  Then again, isn’t Annie?  Still Finnick chooses her, the mad girl.  If Annie had never existed, would Finnick love Johanna instead?  Probably not, she thinks, because Annie was what really brought them together.

If Annie had died in the Games, would Johanna and Finnick be deep in love?  After all, Johanna had comforted Finnick before, during, and after Annie’s own Games.  But they could never truly be together because Snow would break them apart.  Snow would keep them apart forever.

Maybe that would be for the best.  Maybe this was stupid.  Maybe Johanna was destined to be alone forever.  Maybe it was better for both of them to not do this to themselves.

She couldn’t deny that Finnick was her only friend.  He was the only who genuinely cared about Johanna’s wellbeing and sanity.  He had always looked out for her, just as she looked out for him.  He understood her, and she loved him for that.

They comforted each other.  That was all this was.  What else could it be?  There was no substance to this relationship.  It consisted of sex and tears.  Had it always been that way?

Yet Johanna couldn’t convince herself that this was true.  Surely Finnick really did care about her, right?

Suddenly, Finnick pulls Johanna closer to him.  She can’t keep herself from smiling.  Well, until Finnick murmurs, “I love you, Annie,” into Johanna’s dark hair.

And then the tears come.  Johanna realizes that even in his dreams, Finnick loves Annie, not her.  He will always love Annie more than her.  He will _always_ choose Annie over Johanna, the woman who understands him most.  Somehow, that tears at Johanna’s heart more than ever before.  Hearing Finnick say Annie’s name in his sleep breaks Johanna’s heart.

How could she have allowed herself to fall for Finnick?

What had possessed Johanna to actually fall in love with a taken man?

When the sun begins to slowly climb over the horizon after a few hours, Finnick finally rolls over, freeing Johanna.  She hears him yawn and stretch, and she knows that he is finally awake.  Johanna rolls over to face him and smiles.  “Hi,” she says, trying not to reveal that her heart is cracked, and just might shatter soon.

“Hey,” Finnick says with a grin, not really able to see Johanna because of the darkness of the room.  “I really don’t want to go find sponsors today.  I would much rather just stay here with you.”

She doesn’t reveal it, but hearing him pretend that he actually wants to spend time with _her_ is like the dropping of her heart in slow motion.  It won’t be long before it hits rock bottom and shatters into a million pieces.  And if Johanna has any say in it, that will _never_ happen.

Johanna merely smiles and says, “You were talking in your sleep again last night.  About Annie.”

The sun can’t rise fast enough, but Johanna is glad that the room is still very dark because she doesn’t want Finnick to see the sadness that she knows she can’t keep from her eyes, no matter how good of a liar she is.  He is always able to read her like an open book.  The fingers that were lightly tracing a path on her upper arm still; she is afraid he can feel her trembling.

“Oh,” Finnick says softly.  He takes one of her hands and squeezes it.  “You know, Jo, sometimes I forget about everything at night and think that you’re Annie and not, well, _you_.  The worst part is that sometimes I wish it were true.”

Sad and knowing that the slow motion fall of her heart is picking up speed outside of her control, Johanna simply responds, “I know.”

* * *

  _"Regrets and mistakes, they’re memories made.  Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?” –_ Adele, “Someone Like You”  
 _74_ _th_ _Hunger Games_

The day that the Games begin, Johanna knows that this year will be different.  How often does District 12 _ever_ stand out?  It makes Johanna sick how those two kids on fire were in love and being sent to their deaths.  How tragic.  And with their scores…this year would _definitely_ be different.  And Johanna hates them for it.  Seriously, it makes her sick to think of their instant popularity as the underdogs.  _She_ had been the underdog and no one had given half a damn.

And it isn’t hard to see through their act of star-crossed lovers.  _Oh, how Romeo and Juliet,_ cried people all over the Capitol.  Whatever ‘Romeo and Juliet’ meant.  It was some stupid story from before the Dark Days.  It seems that Johanna was the only person who could tell that the two kids weren’t really in love.  Well, at least the girl wasn’t.  She wasn’t even able to _pretend_.  On the other hand, the boy was clearly smitten, or just a really good actor.

Johanna feels sick just thinking about it.  She wonders if any of this year’s mentors from District 6 are morphling addicts, because Johanna could definitely use some right now.  It’s funny how jealousy and rage have a physical impact.

How the hell could Haymitch have lucked out with such good tributes?  It wasn’t fair.

Well, it is Panem, after all.  Nothing is fair.

Johanna fearlessly walks into the mentors’ gym, ignoring the stares that she can feel directed at her.  Characteristically, Johanna raises her middle finger to the room, not knowing or caring who was in there.  She goes straight for the punching bag and fiercely wails on it.  It doesn’t bother her that others are staring at her ferocity.  She is furious with her life and her odds, and she doesn’t care who knows.  They all feel the same way.

After several minutes, Johanna is winded and tired.  She falls to her knees on the matted floor, and breathes heavily, trying to slow her heart rate.  Brushing loose hairs out of her face, Johanna lays down, wiped out.

All of the emotions she had held in for years were slowly leaking out, and it made Johanna more lethal than ever.  A tiny voice in the back of Johanna’s head mentioned something about therapy being helpful, but the prideful walls she had built instantly stopped the voice, retorting that the punching bag and innocent bystanders were good enough victims.

Everyone has to get hurt at some point.  It isn’t her fault if Johanna merely starts the process.  She sighs, her heart rate slowing.  Johanna feels tears come to her eyes, and she blinks them back, accusing herself of PMS-ing.  After all, she _is_ human.  She can’t be all bubbly and hunky-dory all the time (like anyone could be bubbly and hunky-dory at all in this hell they call life).

Human.  Johanna hasn’t felt _human_ in a long time.  She refuses to see herself as human.

Murderers could not be human.  Liars could not be human.  Whores could not be human.  Lovers could not be human.  Johanna Mason is a machine; a cold, hard machine with no emotions.

The tears return and fall before she can stop them.  Johanna screeches loudly and kicks the punching bag, throwing her fists to the floor beside her.  She doesn’t have to look around the room to know she’s alone.  No one wants to deal with the crazy psycho-victor.  Unless your name is Annie Cresta, crazy is not an option.

Johanna instinctively faults Finnick for everything, even though she knows it’s wrong.  He is the one who continually breaks her heart by allowing her to love him and then crushing her by talking to her as if she were Annie.

But Johanna is the one who lets him do this.  This really is her fault.

And it has to come to an end.

* * *

_“When I collapse will you forget?  When I’m dead and gone will you regret all of the constant mocking, bitter slander I imposed when you were so upset?” –_ Apple Trees & Tangerines, “Can You Save Me”  
 _74_ _th_ _Hunger Games_

“Hey, Odair!” Johanna Mason shouts across the main floor of the Training Center.  The man in question is standing outside of the rooms where the mentors work during the Hunger Games.  It is only the first day, and both of Johanna’s tributes and one of Finnick’s are dead.  What a surprise.

Johanna doesn’t care that she just left the mentor’s gym, and that she is hot and sweaty after beating on that punching bag.  She sees red and the figure draped in the demonic color is the one and only Finnick Odair.

He looks up and raises his eyebrows, obviously thinking she is just faking for some alone time.  He saunters casually over to her and opens his mouth to speak, but before he can, Johanna grabs his arm and forcefully pulls him into a storage room.

“Nice to see you, too, Jo,” Finnick says sarcastically, pointedly rubbing his arm where she had grabbed him.

“Don’t call me that,” she growls.  Finnick realizes that something is up, especially when she grabs his collar and slams him up against the wall.  For half a second, he thinks she is going to kiss him, because she leans in, but it’s only to get close to his eyes so she can say, “Look.  I’m sick of you screwing with my mind, and screwing _me_ , so we’re done.  Do you hear me, Finnick?  We’re done.”  And then Johanna backs up and falls to the floor, shaking.

Finnick looks baffled.  “I’m confused,” he says slowly, watching Johanna’s body shake as she wraps her arms around her knees and lay her head on top.  “What’s wrong, Jo?”

She looks up, her eyes red and puffy.  “I can’t do this to myself anymore, Finnick.  We have to stop.  It isn’t fair to Annie, and it isn’t fair to you, and it isn’t fair to me.  I’m done.”

He looks genuinely upset.  “Is that all that you think this is?  Screwing around?”

Johanna won’t meet his eyes, but rather looks past him to where the wall meets the ceiling.  “We both knew from the start that this would never end well for either of us.  You fuck me and you say her name.  Tell me how that’s fair.”  Meeting his eyes with her own ferocious glare, she continues, “You make me weak, Finnick.  You make me feel things I shouldn’t feel, I don’t deserve to _feel_ at all.  But you make me _feel_ and that scares the hell out of me.”

Finnick nods slowly a couple of times, and says, “You’re right.  I’m sorry, Jo.  We’ll keep some distance for a while.”

With her eyes closed, Johanna feels her heart finally shatter.  She doesn’t look up and doesn’t say anything, just leans against the shelving units and cries.  Johanna hears Finnick sigh and leave the room.  She bites her lip and squeezes her eyes shut, trying to pinch off the tears.  It doesn’t work.

Could this have been the right thing to do?

Had Johanna made a mistake?

Her brain tells her ‘no’.  It really wasn’t fair to anyone for them to do this.  Annie didn’t know anything about Finnick and Johanna, and while being left in the dark was the easiest thing to do, it was wrong.  The poor girl would be heartbroken if she found out what was going on between her one true love and another woman (well, several, but that’s beside the point).

By continuing to sleep together and spend all of their private time together, Johanna was continually telling Finnick that she cared for him as more than a friend, which, of course, she _did_ , but Finnick didn’t need to know that.  Everyone was better off if he didn’t know she loved him and thought that they were just friends.

As for Johanna, she was torturing herself by letting herself think that Finnick could possibly love a girl like her.  Finnick and Johanna were too much alike; adding fire to fire just creates a devastating burn.  He needed someone like Annie to keep him sane; adding water to fire forces peace.  The realization hurts Johanna more than anything.

Maybe she didn’t have to be quite so mean, Johanna tells herself, but it got the job done and told Finnick that she was serious.

She isn’t look forward to sleeping alone tonight.

* * *

_“Everyone knows it’s going to hurt, but at least we get hurt trying.” –_ Regina Spektor, “Firewood”  
 _74_ _th_ _Hunger Games_

A week and a half passes with hardly any communication between Finnick and Johanna.  He doesn’t know what to think.  She’s right, of course; she usually is.  But Finnick doesn’t know how to feel about this break-up, even if they were never officially together in the first place.  He _knows_ that she’s right, but it still hurts.

But why?

Why should Finnick care at all?

Maybe it’s because a part of him has grown to—dare he say it?— _love_ Johanna.  The thought crosses Finnick’s mind and he instantly downs the rest of his drink, shaking his head as if to get rid of the thought.  The rest of the bar probably thinks that he’s lost it, like too many of the other victors.  The Capitol citizens will probably mourn the loss of Finnick Odair more than Finnick will.  He hates them.  Just being here in this Capitol club makes Finnick angry.

He throws a wad of cash on the counter and leaves, ignoring the flash of cameras and requests to dance from scantily clad women.  Finnick throws his trademark smile at some Peacekeepers as he leaves the bar.  The sky is dark, but if Finnick didn’t know that stars existed (at least in District 4), he would swear they weren’t real because of their invisibility due to the blindingly bright lights of the Capitol.

Cars speed by on the streets and a light sprinkle comes down from the skies.  Rumor has it that the Capitol controls the weather, but Finnick isn’t too sure.  It rains far too often in his opinion.  The downpour grows steadily heavier, but he doesn’t care.  He even purposely takes the longest route back to his apartment.  After his tributes died a week ago, Finnick didn’t even bother going to the Training Center, except to see his friends and try to catch a glimpse of Johanna, which he never seems to be able to do.

While waiting to cross the street, Finnick raises his face to the skies and embraces the rain.  Why did he develop these feelings for Johanna?  They were just supposed to be friends, and that was all.  It had worked for a long time— _years_ —but Finnick knew that he had to be careful.  When at home in District 4, he spent all of his time with Annie, telling himself that he didn’t love Johanna.  It was impossible for him to love Johanna as more than a sister.

He steps in a puddle and thinks he sees the woman he spent last night with in the distance.  Finnick ducks into an alleyway and decides to take a much longer route back to his apartment.  He doesn’t want to run into anyone he knows.  Even if he doesn’t remember their name, Finnick remembers their face and their voice and the feel of their body against his.  It makes him sick.

Just thinking about being the Capitol’s whore makes Finnick want to throw up.  He leans against a grimy wall and his vision swims.  Pressing a hand against his forehead, Finnick regrets all those drinks tonight.  He leans over and vomits onto the dirty street.

Running into patrons or not, Finnick just needs to get home.  As soon as he is able to walk, Finnick heads toward the main roads, but pauses after hearing a commotion behind him.  Two figures have materialized from the mist and are passing something between them.  Sensing an illegal deal, Finnick knows better than to interfere.

That is, until he hears a familiar voice say, “Thanks, Valerian.”

Finnick mentally groans and waits for the smaller figure to pass this way.  As soon as they do, Finnick lightly says, “Hey, Jo.”

She jumps and her breath catches.  Johanna turns to look at him.  She glares at him and begins to walk away.  Finnick grabs her hand and she yanks it out of his grip.  He grabs her arm, and she pulls but he is stronger.  “What do you want?” she barks, lips curling over her teeth.

“Is that morphling?” asks Finnick, referring to the white bag in her grasp.

Johanna narrows her eyes and says, “So what?  You’re practically one drink away from being completely smashed.  You have your methods of coping and I have mine.  Get over it.”

Finnick bites back nasty words, knowing that it would only lead to a fight.  “Look, Jo, we can’t do this to ourselves.  The only reason I’m not an alcoholic like Haymitch or Chaff is you, and I’m pretty sure that the reason you aren’t like most of the victors from District 6 is because of me.”  That seems to calm Johanna, and Finnick can’t help but wonder why it does.  “We _need_ each other, Jo.  We have to keep each other clean.”

Johanna visibly relaxes.  “I guess…”  She takes a step closer to Finnick and lightly touches his cheek.  His stomach plummets, recognizing the magical lead-up of the moment before a kiss.  “I guess I need you more than I realized.”  She hesitates briefly before leaning up and embracing him.  So much more is said in actions than in words between these two friends; just friends, now, for he is sure she will never want to kiss him again.

Finnick wonders why—even though this is so _wrong_ —it feels so _right_.

She draws back and smiles softly.  “You’re the only person who really knows me, Finnick.  Thanks.  Now let’s get you home before you start a public fight or something.”

They laugh, finally comfortable with each other once again.

* * *

_“Take this sinking boat and point it home; we’ve still got time.  Raise your hopeful voice, you have a choice; you’ll make it now.” –_ Glen Hansard, “Falling Slowly”  
 _74_ _th_ _Hunger Games_

In an unusual turn of events, Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark have both won the 74th Hunger Games.  And it spells death for the rest of the world.  Someone has to be blamed.  For sure, Katniss and Peeta will be threatened by President Snow because they—most likely unknowingly, or possibly unintentionally—defied the Capitol and Snow’s control in the Districts.  Because it was his fault in the long run, the Head Gamemaker, Seneca Crane, will most likely be killed before the Victory Tour.  Panem is suddenly on a slippery downward slope towards something unknown.  All of the citizens in the Capitol and the Districts are on edge.  The tension in the air is palpable and nearly tangible.

But for Finnick Odair and Johanna Mason, life continues as it always has.  They spend the wee hours of the morning together after spending their nights with someone else.  It doesn’t take long before they both consider saying those important three words to each other, but neither does.  They understand the consequences.

Tonight, they sit on the floor in Johanna’s apartment, attempting to pull an all-nighter so they can sleep on the long train ride back to the Districts.  A deck of cards is spread between the two and each participant is only half-dressed, eating sugar cubes like there’s no tomorrow.  Finnick had been attempting to teach Johanna how to play strip poker, but she didn’t—and still doesn’t—understand the cards, making for a very interesting game.

Sorely losing, Johanna leans her head back and laughs, “I’m about to quit Finnick!  I refuse to take off my panties and bra, as much as you would like that, and I only have one sock left.”

Finnick laughs.  “Fine, but forfeiting means that you have to take everything off.”

“You can kiss my ass.”

“Once you’re naked, of course.”

“You’re such a _boy_.”

Again, he laughs.  “Well, I should hope so.  Otherwise, many of my clients—”

“Hey!” Johanna shouts, leaping over and shoving Finnick onto the ground.  Her hair hangs down around her face as she gets in his face to say, “I thought we decided not to bring up our jobs anymore while it was just the two of us.”

Finnick rolls his eyes.  “Fine,” he adds with a groan, “but no complaining if I’m able to rid you of _your_ job and you’ll have to take care of me in my insanity.”

Johanna gets off him, suspicion in her eyes.  “What do you mean?”

“Now I’ve got your attention.”  Finnick sits up.  “This is all top secret, of course, but I think I might have found a way to keep Annie safe permanently, which means that you won’t have to fuck anyone you don’t want to ever again.”

“How?”

Finnick shakes his head.  “Can’t tell you.  This is my business, Jo.  You’ll be fine.  Trust me.”

She purses her lips and glares at him through narrowed eyes.  “Seriously?  It’s a good thing you’re my best friend, Finnick, because I don’t trust _anyone_.”

“Really?  I hadn’t noticed.  But trust me, Johanna, you don’t want to know.”

Johanna sighs, knowing that she couldn’t win this one.  She tilts her head to the side and looks down at the cards in her hand.  Feeling Finnick’s eyes on her, she scratches the tiny itch on her bare side.  He makes an undeterminable sound.  She looks up at him and raises her eyebrows.  “What?”

“I really hate you, Jo.”

She scowls.  “I thought we just got through appreciating our friendship.  Way to go, _Finnick_.”

Before she can register anything, Finnick’s lips are on hers and his hand is on the back of her neck, keeping her in place.  After a few seconds, Finnick pulls away.  “I hate that you make me feel this way.”

Coyly, but secretly seeking the truth, Johanna smirks and asks, “What way?”

“Like…” Finnick pauses and kisses her again slowly, thoroughly.  “Like Annie never can.”

“You’ll regret this, Finnick,” Johanna says, scooting back a foot and casting her eyes down.  “You can’t forget about Annie.”  Softly, she adds, “You’ll never forgive yourself.”

Finnick comes toward her on his knees, brushing her hair off her face, leaving his hand in place.  “I can—I will.  There’s so much that’s different between you and Annie, Jo.  You’re strong, courageous, daring…beautiful…You don’t need anyone—”

In a rare moment of distracted weakness, Johanna takes Finnick’s hands in hers and breathes, “I need _you_.”

Throwing caution to the wind, Finnick says, “And that’s why I love you.”  He throws himself at her, kissing her and holding her close.  Finnick stares into Johanna’s eyes after pulling away, and whispers directly in her ear, “I love you,” before kissing her jaw, neck, collarbone.  She throws her head back and bites her lip.  Johanna lightly pulls Finnick’s chin up to meet her face and kisses him, deeper every second.  Their tongues combat together until Finnick deliberately slows Johanna down.

Johanna whispers against his lips, “I love you, too.”  She accents her statement with a light kiss, followed by a more meaningful one.  Running her fingers through his hair, Johanna smiles as she feels his fingers nimbly unhook her bra.  She allows it to fall to the floor and presses even closer to him.  Finnick gently pushes her back onto the floor and kisses her forehead.  Johanna traces patterns on his back with her fingertips as he grips her hips.  He reaches up and, after some blind searching, turns out the lamp, surrounding them in darkness, with only the light from the city and the moon revealing anything.

Instead of just having sex, tonight they make love.  Neither has been happier in their life.

* * *

_“Stood there and watched you walk away from everything we had, but I still mean every word I said to you.” –_ Taylor Swift, “Haunted”  
 _Before the 74_ _th_ _Victory Tour_  

Johanna is aimlessly wandering through the market, feeling the chill of autumn all the way into her bones.  She glances at the things being sold and grabs a few things, not really paying attention to what it is.  Her life is mostly the same, with the exception of everyone and their mother fawning over Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark.  Capitol television programs run constantly about the daily lives of the District 12 lovers.  She envies how lucky they are.

No one gave half a shit about Johanna Mason.  No one does.

A cool wind blows through the tents, causing Johanna to shiver as she continues to meander.  She sees several children playing while their mothers shop or gossip, and wonders which will be the lucky ones?  Who will be spared?  Who will be fortunate enough to die in the arena and not have to live in this hell?  Johanna huffs at herself for even thinking about it.

A little boy stares up at Johanna, and she glares at him, walking past as fast as she can.  Mentally, Johanna can’t even fathom what would possess her to do that, but she shakes off the feelings like an unwanted arm wrapped around her shoulders.  She continues on, but stops with agitation when she feels a tug on her oversized sweater.  Looking down, she sees the little boy.

“Please, Miss Johanna,” he says politely, “Mr. Blight Woods needs you.”

“What for?” she asks, a little too rudely for such a sweet (which even she can’t deny) child.  God, she hates children.  Good thing she would never--but she stops herself mid-thought, a sickening feeling in her stomach keeping her from finishing that sentence.

He shrugs.  “Dunno.  He just told me to come get you.”

Johanna sighs.  This is _just_ like Blight.  Vague as always.  “Fine.  Thank you.”  She quickly pays for the things in her possession and heads back to the Victor’s Village, not even stopping to put her groceries away.  She doesn’t even bother to knock, but rather just barges right into Blight’s house that looks exactly the same as hers, if only a little more put together with more personal belongings and memories.

As always, Blight is sitting in his rocking chair in the front sitting room, staring at the leaves blowing down the street.  Johanna has always wondered if he was slightly mental, but weren’t they all?  No one in Panem could be sane if they put up with this shit every day.  She absolutely hates this wasteland everyone calls a country.

“What do you want?” she demands, dropping her bag to the floor.  A few items spill out.  “I was busy.”

He doesn’t look at her, but comments, “And yet you still ran here.”  She knows that she can’t deny him that.  He is very aware that she cares more than she lets on.  “I just heard from good old Mags—”

“How do you understand anything she says anymore?  I could hardly understand her before the stroke and now—”

Blight looks at her and cuts her off by saying, “Mags told me that Finnick Odair’s engaged.”  Johanna’s stomach drops.  _What_?  “I figured that you should hear it from me before anyone from the Capitol because of how you feel for him.”

Johanna’s jaw drops and she feels anger and envy and betrayal rise from her very core.  “What the—I don’t even—The only feelings I have for Odair are that of me being pissed off and annoyed by his playboy act.  And even if I did have feelings for him, which I _don’t_ , he should have said something to me, not you or Mags or anyone else.  It’s not like I care.  He can get married to whoever the hell he wants.  I don’t even like him.”

“Keep telling yourself that,” Blight says with a turn back to the window.  Johanna scowls and leaves the room.  “Be sure to close the door on your way out!  I don’t want a draft!”  Blight gets a slam of the door in return.

Johanna storms into her house, not caring that she left her groceries at Blight’s home.  She immediately tears the phone off the wall and pulls the cord so that it stretches toward the window seat facing the forest.  Without thinking about it, she dials the usual number and lets it ring.

“Hello?” comes a familiar voice.

“What the _hell_ is wrong with you?” shouts Johanna. “You should have told me you were fucking getting married!  I can’t believe this!  It’s just _like_ you, Odair!”

“What…how—who told you?”

“Who do you think?  Mags told Blight and he told me.  Looking out for my best interests or whatever.  Well, I don’t give a damn.  You can marry whoever the hell you want.”

Finnick sighs.  “What is _wrong_ with you, Johanna?  You’ve never cared about me and Annie in the past!  You were always pushing me away from you and towards Annie.  I don’t get it!  Why are you so jealous all of a sudden?”

Johanna screeches.  “Jealous?  You’re accusing me of being _jealous_?  Of all things I am, Odair, I am not _jealous_.  We’re best friends.  This is the kind of thing you tell someone before telling the rest of the world.”

“Look, I only told Mags.  She knows about me and you, and probably told Blight to warn you.  I had no idea that she told anyone.”

“Sure.  _Sure_ ,” she repeats angrily, running a hand through her mid-length hair.  “Just know, Finnick, that I am _never_ going to help you in the middle of the night again.  And you can forget about fucking me.  That’s what your wife’s for now, brainless or not.  She’s _yours_.”

“Jo, you can’t tell anyone.”  His tone is urgent, panicked.  “No one can know that Annie and I are engaged.  It’ll be a secret wedding.  You can come if you want.  We’ll figure out a way to get you to District 4—”

“Why in the world would I want to come to your wedding?  Even if I was the fucking maid of honor, I wouldn’t come!  And don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone about your secret engagement.  Heaven knows that the world doesn’t know half about you and me.  So go have fun with your crazy-ass wife.  I’m done.”

Johanna hangs the phone up and screams as she throws herself onto the pillows and cushions, the tears falling freely.  She presses a hand to her stomach, wondering if he would have proposed to Annie if he knew about the baby.  Of course, there was no way to tell if it was his, but Johanna just _knew_.

And yet, it was already too late.  The baby was gone, after too much cramping and bleeding.

But still… If Finnick had known, would he have cared?  Would he have stayed?


	3. Part III

_Part III_

* * *

 

_“I like it in the city when two worlds collide.  You get people and the government, everybody taking different sides.  Shows that we ain’t gonna stand shit, shows that we are united.” –_ Adele, “Hometown Glory”  
 _The 74_ _th_ _Victory Tour_

Johanna Mason had threatened not to go to the fancy dinner for Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark.  She hates the Hunger Games, she hates the Capitol, she hates the star-crossed lovers (nicknamed ‘Toast’ by insolent teenagers in the Capitol), she hates everything and anything.  Just showing up for the Victory Tour’s festivities would be showing support for the Capitol, and that is the last thing that Johanna wants to do.  Not to mention that she hates parties.

But as the only female victor from District 7, Johanna is required to go.  She decides that she doesn’t want to risk Annie’s life, as much as she hates Finnick, by refusing Snow’s orders.  And so Johanna gets dressed in a floor length green—which her prep team insists is _emerald_ —dress complete with heels, which she is sure to ditch as soon as she can.  Johanna can’t help but admit that she feels beautiful, as impossible as that seems.  Looks like she has to make up for it by being a total bitch.

The dinner is extremely boring.  It always is.  Yes, the food is much better than usual in the district, but not quite as good as in the Capitol.  And the place is crawling with cameras, filming the victors and invading their personal space.  If they want to make out while slow-dancing, let them do it without having a camera shoved in their faces.

Johanna grimaces as she feels a hand slide around her waist and lead her onto the dance floor.  Expecting the worst, she is actually pleasantly surprised to find Haymitch Abernathy as her new dance partner.  Well, compared to who _could_ have grabbed her.  “What the hell do you want?” she demands, raising an eyebrow at the shockingly sober drunk.

“I was just curious on what you thought of our two victors this year,” Haymitch says lightly.

She narrows her eyes.  “Personally, I think Snow’s going soft if he’s letting lover-boy and his annoying girlfriend both win.  No offense.”

“None taken,” Haymitch says with a smile as they awkwardly dance.  “I know you haven’t been happy with the Capitol in the past—”

“Damn right,” Johanna interrupts but then lets him continue on.

“And I have some friends in high places who might feel the same way.  Friends with influence who are able to tip us off about things, such as the upcoming Quarter Quell.  Would you be interested in what they have to say?”

Johanna purses her lips.  “I’m not going to the Capitol if that’s what you’re asking.”

“No, no, of course not,” Haymitch says. “But if the life of a person representing your personal cause was, say, in danger, and your own freedom depended on their safety, would you help them to stay alive?”

“If it meant that the Capitol would fall,” Johanna pauses to think, “absolutely.  What do you have in mind?”

Haymitch looks around briefly to make sure no one is listening.  Of course, no one is.  “Some victors share the same opinions and we might have a job to do soon.”

“How soon?”

Another sweep of the room with their eyes.  “The Quarter Quell.  Our sources say that this year is the most deadly, but we’ll find out for sure in a week or so.”

Johanna grimaces.  “How many people are involved?”

“A few.  We won’t mention names, for their safety, of course.”

“Of course,” she repeats dryly.  “What’s my job?”

“Nothing yet.  Just be prepared to make alliances with those whom you do not like.”  Johanna frowns and opens her mouth to argue, but Haymitch cuts her off.  “And if things were to go wrong, you could be captured by the Capitol for information, which you must not give.”

“All for my freedom?” she asks, raising her eyebrows, wondering how great the price to pay would be.

Haymitch tilts his head to the side.  “For Panem’s freedom, therefore, your own.”

“I’m in,” Johanna says, pressing her lips tightly together.  Sensing that this meeting with Haymitch Abernathy is over, Johanna shoves him off of her and screams, “Get away from me, you asshole!”  Just for good measure, she slaps him before stalking off to a corner.  Johanna can’t believe that the districts are finally coming together as one to fight the Capitol and bring them down.

Causing a scene?  Check.

Joining a rebellion?  Check.

Yes, Johanna’s glad she came to the dinner.

* * *

 

_“Let’s join forces; we’ve got our guns and horses.  I know you’ve been burned, but every fire is a lesson learned.” –_ Ellie Goulding, “Guns and Horses”  
 _The 75_ _th_ _Hunger Games Training_

She hates being back in the Capitol.  There are too many painful memories of everything terrible that has happened in her life, and she could never be happy here.  She could never be happy anywhere.  Johanna hates the Training Center, she hates the chariots, she hates the stupid costumes, she hates the training sessions.

However, stripping in front of Katniss Everdeen to make her uncomfortable was one of the best things Johanna Mason has ever done.  It was a spur of the moment decision, but it was worth it.  The look on the Girl on Fire’s face was priceless, and it was funny to see lover boy try to keep from laughing at Katniss and try to keep his eyes in an appropriate place.  She knew that Katniss would confront Peeta about it later, and that was the best part.  It isn’t like Johanna has any shame.  She’s way past that.

Katniss ignores her, which doesn’t bother Johanna one bit.  She can’t stand the selfish brat, and doesn’t understand why Peeta can tolerate her.  Obviously, they are not in love, but Johanna seems to be the only one who can see that.

This elevator can’t move fast enough.  Johanna leans her head back against the walls and closes her eyes.  The elevator makes a beeping noise and it stops before the doors open.  She groans audibly at the delay and once again when she sees the passenger.

She had been doing such a good job of ignoring him, too.

“Johanna,” Finnick says firmly, standing on the opposite side of the elevator, and moving to press the button, only to see it already illuminated.

“Finnick,” she replies curtly.  Once the elevator is moving again, Johanna stares at the numbers on the wall, watching them count down the floors and wishing it would move faster.  It seems to last an eternity, but they finally hit the ground floor and the doors open.  She releases a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding.  Without another word to her ex-lover, Johanna exits the elevator and passes through a set of double doors that lead to the training areas.  Even though this is the given training time, no one really puts for effort to show up save a few, so Johanna won’t really be missed.

Careful to not be followed, Johanna passes through the training areas, leaving through another set of doors.  The hall she is deposited on is gray and somewhat creepy even.  No need to explain that she walks as fast as she can to reach her destination.  The hall winds and winds throughout the basements of the training center until she is sure she is in the intestines of the dragon.  Finally, Johanna reaches her destination: an old training room.

Even though there are already others in the room, Johanna doesn’t pay attention to them and looks at her surroundings, wondering if this could be a trap.  It’s not like it really matters; Johanna has no one to live for, not anymore.  The walls are covered in mirrors and the floor is a large mat like the one upstairs to practice wrestling.  Lighting in the room is odd because of the fluorescents hanging on the ceiling that flicker like in the districts.  No wonder these rooms aren’t used anymore.  They don’t live up to Capitol standards.

“Johanna!” cries a voice from across the room.  She turns and sees Haymitch Abernathy waving her over to the group of chairs that are slowly being occupied by people.  Johanna grimaces as he approaches her while she walks and asks, “Were you followed?”

“No.”  Best to leave it as solid and plain as possible.  No one likes hearing Johanna Mason speak because it always ends badly somehow.  She takes an empty seat between one of the morphling addicts and Seeder.  At least they’ll be quiet and leave her alone.  It seems that no one is able to do that these days.

Haymitch takes a seat on the other side of Seeder, and Johanna tries to take note of who all is here.  Herself, Haymitch, two morphlings, Chaff, Seeder, Nuts, Volts, Mags, Blight (surprisingly), and several others who Johanna doesn’t know, including several who look like they’re from the Capitol.  How did they get involved?  One Capitolite stands and Johanna recognizes him as one of the gamemakers, Plutarch Heavensbee.

“Welcome, all.  I think we—” he begins, but is interrupted by the sound of a door opening and footsteps walking toward the group.

“Sorry I’m late.  I got lost.”

“It’s not a big deal, Mr. Odair,” Plutarch says as Finnick takes his seat across the circle from Johanna.  They stare at each other for a few seconds, but then release eye contact as they both look at Plutarch.  “I was just saying that I think we know why we’re all here.  For those of you who have not been personally briefed yet, please be patient.  It is hard to schedule times when we are able to meet in private.  Today, I just want everyone to understand that, while in the arena, you must protect Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark at whatever cost.  We will send you messages in the form of gifts from sponsors, so pay attention to those, because they will tell you when we will be able to break into the arena.  Unfortunately, we must keep this brief or you will be missed.”

At this point, they go around the circle, each proclaiming their allegiance to Panem’s freedom and protecting Katniss and Peeta.  When they get to Finnick, he merely says, “I do,” and Johanna can’t but help wonder if he has said those same two words to Annie yet.  She feels bitter just at the thought.

And then it’s her turn.  “Johanna Mason, do you promise to give your life for Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark, as well as any others in danger if they support our cause, and, if captured, die before repeating sensitive information?”

She gives a quick glance toward Finnick, but then says, “Yeah, I do.  Let’s get these Capitol bitches.”

* * *

 

_“She mourns beneath her moonlit sky, remembering when they said goodbye.” -_ Greta Salome & Jonsi, “Never Forget”  
 _The night before the 75th Hunger Games_

She sits on the roof, staring at the dark sky and wishing she could be anywhere but here.  It’s hard to remember her life before the Games.  Her family died so many years ago; she’s long forgotten her mother’s face, her father’s voice, her sister’s height.  It burns in her heart that she was the reason for their deaths, that she just as well shot them herself.

Another presence sits down next to her.  She can smell him, can taste him on her tongue.  His body heat is familiar to her, igniting her heart into searing flames while drenching her stomach in ice water.  She thinks she’s going to be sick.  Pulling her knees up to her chest, Johanna rests her head on her kneecaps and closes her eyes to stop the tears from flowing.

A reassuring hand is pressed against her lower back.  He is strong, warm, and _there_.  She loves him so much that it hurts.  He can’t love her how she wants him to, can’t spend the rest of his life with her.  One of them is going to die soon, if not both.  She regrets every hateful thing she’s ever said to him.  His very presence is a white flag in their long-standing war of hearts.

If Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark could keep their baby, then why the hell couldn’t she?  Another wave of tears attacks her, shoulder shuddering from the force of her tears.

_I understand that you have a message for somebody out there.  A special somebody out there.  Can we hear it?_

_My love, you have my heart for all eternity...and...if...If I die in the arena, my last thought would be of your lips._

If she used all of her imagination, she could almost pretend that those words were meant for her, and not for Annie Cresta.  Of course, so did every person in the Capitol who had ever met Finnick Odair.

She wonders if she should tell him about the baby that would have been, but then decides that maybe that would not be wise.  It was in the past, a reminder of that terrible argument they’d had.  They hadn’t really spoken to each other since then.  Her nature was too stubborn and prideful to admit that she was wrong.  Johanna had been very harsh and angry; he didn’t deserve it.

Time had passed, and Johanna had grown truly happy for Finnick and Annie.  Unfortunately, the odds were not in their favor; Finnick would die much too young.  Giving in to her heart for just this night, her last night in freedom, Johanna turns and rests her head on Finnick’s chest, allowing him to wrap his arms around her.  She wonders what to say, if anything at all.

To her surprise, Finnick is the first to whisper, “I’m sorry.”

Shocked, Johanna looks up, reminded of the night they met.  “Me, too,” she says, humiliated that they’re even having this conversation.  Nothing for them would ever be easy, would it?  “I don’t hate you.”

“I don’t hate you either.”

Finally, Johanna meets Finnick’s eyes and wishes that if she had to die, she could die drowning in that ocean of color.  “We’re really dumb, aren’t we?”

Finnick uses his thumb brush away a piece of fringe in her face away.  “Yeah,” he nods, staring at her lips.  Johanna knows what’s coming and wishes it wouldn’t, but she doesn’t have the heart to stop him.  Not when they could both die tomorrow.  He ducks his head to press his lips to hers, and Johanna knows that he’s crying now, too.  It’s chaste, especially for them--a kiss of friendship and longing for better times.

He loves Annie, Johanna reminds herself.  Still, she wishes he meant those words for her.

* * *

 

_“She’s twenty years of snow falling; she’s twenty years of strangers looking into each others’ eyes.” –_ Regina Spektor, “20 Years of Snow”  
 _The 75_ _th_ _Hunger Games_

Johanna is convinced that this arena sucks.  Since when was having the skies rain blood considered a good idea?  First of all, that isn’t even _sanitary_ , and second of all, it’s just wrong.  And she lost Blight from it, not that she really cared about him.  But he was from home.

She rolls her eyes at the sight of Peeta comforting Katniss after that ordeal with the jabberjays.  Since it lasted an hour and obviously Katniss and Finnick are shaken from the ordeal, Johanna doesn’t even ask what it was like.  There would only be one screaming for her, and she didn’t want to know who he heard.  Annie, no doubt.

Looking around to be sure of their surroundings, Johanna is only half listening.  She doesn’t pay attention to the conversation until she hears Beetee say, “Oh, yes.  It’s not even that difficult, Finnick. Our children learn a similar technique in school.”

She can’t resist jumping in.  “Of course Peeta’s right.  The whole country adores Katniss’s little sister.  If they really killed her like this, they’d probably have an uprising on their hands.”  Her mind is whirling while contemplating whether challenging the gamemakers is a good idea.  With nothing to lose, everything is a good idea.  Like they say, a man who can’t die has nothing to fear.  Johanna lifts her face to the sky and shouts, “Don’t want that, do they?  Whole country in rebellion?  Wouldn’t want anything like that!”

It makes her proud in a vain way, and she loves the shocked reactions clearly displayed on everyone else’s faces.  She can already hear the boom of the cannon signifying her own death.  Unfortunately, the Capitol is probably already editing this out so that the districts don’t begin thinking on their own.  What a pity.  Johanna senses that they think she’s lost her mind, and can’t help thinking that that happened years ago.

She picks up some shells from the warm sands and starts walking to the tree line of the jungle.  “I’m getting water.”  It’s clear she isn’t wanted here.  Anywhere.

Katniss grabs her hand as she passes.  “Don’t go in there.  The birds—”

Johanna yanks her hand away as she says, “They can’t hurt me.  I’m not like the rest of you.  There’s no one left I love.”  She hopes Finnick heard, but knows that he’s probably too busy worrying about Annie to care.  She comes back and passes out shells of water to everyone and then goes to collect weapons that are scattered around the beach.  All she wants is to be left alone by these obnoxious allies.  Well, maybe except Finnick.

But Johanna gave up on him long ago.  He was too much in love with Annie to ever care for her.  They were perfect together; they deserved each other.  Johanna knows that because of the terrible things she has done in life, she deserves no one.  Sometimes being alone is the safest.  It’s impossible to have your heart broken.

Even better, maybe she should just carve her heart out of her chest.  After all, it’s impossible to feel heartbreak without a heart.  She could walk around without a heart.  She’s already dead.  _Love is weird_.

* * *

 

_“Weep for yourself, my man, you’ll never be what is in your heart.  Weep, little lion man, you’re not as brave as you were at the start.”_ –Mumford and Sons, “Little Lion Man”  
 _After the 75_ _th_ _Hunger Games_

The knots are second nature.  Length of rope doesn’t matter, fishing knots are fishing knots.  Finnick has grown up tying these.  And now he sits here in a white room in a hospital gown with a plastic medical tag on his wrist, perfect face full of worry and confusion, tying these simple knots over and over and over again.  Tie, pull, fall.  Tie, pull, fall.  Every damn moment of every damn day.

Only in sleep is Finnick free from the knots.

But he would rather be tying knots than trapped in his nightmares.  It’s always the same.  He is forced to watch as Annie is tortured constantly for information she doesn’t have, has never had.  Finnick tries to get to her, but he can never make it until she is bleeding out.  She always dies in his arms.  He swears to kill everyone in the Capitol—man, woman, and child—but then is taken prisoner by the Peacekeepers and Snow personally begins to torture Finnick.  It’s only when he dies that he wakes up.

At least the repetitiveness and monotony of the day is better than the terror and pain of the nightmares.  That is, until he realizes that the terror and pain is really going on, just not in the same way.  Annie is still being tortured at the Capitol.  Finnick still can’t reach her.  She will probably die, as much as Finnick hates to admit it.  And the pain is the heartbreak: knowing that he is willing to risk his life to save Annie’s, and not being able to do anything about it.

His doctors would never allow him to leave District 13, not to mention the hospital wing.  Finnick sees nothing but the white walls of his room, day after day after day.  Tie, pull, fall.  His attention span is nonexistent.  He thinks about everything while only tying knots.

In reality, Finnick knows that he is a coward.  If he were really brave, he would have openly defied the Capitol and killed so many more people when he had the chance.  He’s already a murderer.  Surely hell can’t get much worse than it already will be.  If he had been as brave as so many others, Annie would be here, safe in 13, and Finnick would be held captive in the Capitol, tortured for information regarding the resistance.  He would never break, that he did know.

How much worse could the Capitol be than this?  At least here, Annie would be safe and taken care of.  Who knows what was happening to her in the Capitol?  She could already be dead, not to mention being slowly killed or raped.  She had already lost her mind, must she lose everything else, too?  Finnick hated himself for it, but he knew that he would stand a better chance in Snow’s hands than Annie Cresta.

They haven’t even gotten married yet.

That is what Finnick wants more than anything.  Mr. and Mrs. Finnick Odair.  Annie Odair.  Nothing would make him happier.  Tie, pull, fall.  Tie, pull, fall.

* * *

 

_“Yes, I am prepared to stay alive, and I won’t forgive, vengeance is mine and I won’t give in because I choose to thrive.” –_ Muse, “Survival”  
 _August_

Screams rip across the silence, shattering the tense peace.  A shock runs through Johanna’s fragile body and she can’t help but shriek in pain.  She took a vow of silence regarding information about the rebels in District 13, but she was free to taunt her torturers and scream to deal with the pain.  The ongoing, never-ending, eternal pain.

Even when they aren’t torturing her, Johanna feels pain.

It’s only been what she thinks is three weeks, but Johanna feels like she was born and raised here.  The Games, the Capitol, _Finnick_ seem lifetimes away.  Her days consist of lying against the dark, rough walls of her prison cell.  She hasn’t slept in who knows how long.  Food is delivered occasionally, but there is no indication of time.  Her only will to live is the thought of someone coming to save her, but she hardly believes that anymore.

The bleeding, shaved head covered in cuts that are replicated all over her body and bruised—maybe broken—ribs are in so much pain, Johanna doesn’t know what to do.  Any free moment of this terror is spent huddled against a wall, naked, praying that they don’t come and torture her until she is healed.  Of course, that will never happen.

Johanna Mason fully expects to die here with the dark walls as the only witnesses.

Sometimes she hears Peeta Mellark scream in the cell next to her, and only recently began hearing the screams of Annie Cresta.  Finnick would kill Johanna if he knew that she wasn’t doing anything to help her.  It’s not like she could, anyway.

Why is this cell so cold?  The water they pour into the room is ice cold, and then the electric currents come, striking fear into Johanna’s heart.  How long will it be until she dies?  Maybe she’ll be lucky and they’ll use too much electricity and kill her automatically.  Her mind tells her that she isn’t that lucky.

Every so often, Johanna will feel brave and begin to scream things at her attackers when they have left her alone for an unnaturally long time.  While this might seem to be an act of grace, Johanna knows that it means that they are coming up with something to make her talk.  Well, they’ll always fail because Johanna has no one to live for.  There’s no one they can use against her, except maybe Finnick indirectly through Annie, but that’s unlikely.

“What’s taking so long?” shouts Johanna, hearing the sound reverberate from the corners of her dark cell.  She struggles to stand, knowing that there must be cameras in here somewhere.  A sliver of light comes in through a tiny window on the cell door, and she is careful not to step on the drain in the floor.  There are too many disgusting things that could be on that grate to think about. “I’m starting to get bored in here!  There’s no one to talk to!  You should try it some time!  At first it’s peaceful, but then it starts to get old.”

She hears water begin to flood into the room.  It’s loud, like the ten o’clock wave from the arena.  Johanna puts her hands over her ears because the water is deafening.  It begins to pool around her ankles, rising faster every second.  She doesn’t get worried until the water is up around her waist.  Yes, she can stay afloat, but only barely.  Are they trying to drown her?  She would prefer the shock.

“Thanks for the bath!” she shouts, staring at the ceiling.  “I really needed it.”

Johanna starts to panic when the water hits her chin.  The rate at which it’s coming in has dramatically decreased, but she can’t swim and doesn’t know how long she will be able to hold on.  And then the torture begins.

“Johanna?” comes a voice—the one that they all knew would break her.

“Finnick?” she cries, unable to control herself.  It’s been so long since she’s heard him.  Johanna knows that it isn’t really him, but she can’t help it.  She needs him.  “Where are you?”

“I’m here, Jo.  I’m right—” But then his voice is cut off by a scream.  Annie’s screams, long and in pain.  “Annie?” he asks.

“Finnick!” Johanna screams, not knowing if the wetness on her face is tears or the flood.

“Sorry, Jo, but I have to go help Annie.  She needs me, and I love her.  I’ll always choose Annie over you.  You mean nothing to me, really.  Bye, Jo.”

Unable to tell the difference between reality and torture, Johanna screams, “No!  Finnick, wait!  Finnick!”  The water rises over her head, and she feels her lungs burning.  The world turns even blacker, and she quickly loses consciousness.

It’s a jolt of electricity that reminds her that she’s in hell.

* * *

 

_“’Cause I need freedom now and I need to know how to live my life as it’s meant to be.” –_ Mumford and Sons, “The Cave”  
 _October_

Johanna can’t help but admit that Annie looks beautiful in that green silk dress she borrowed from Katniss.  And the way that she and Finnick stare into each other’s eyes would make anyone jealous, let alone the ‘other woman’.  As soon as they begin the traditional District 4 wedding rituals, Johanna begins to feel uncomfortable.  A net woven from grass is draped over the couple, and they touch each other’s lips with salt water.  Children from Districts 12 and 13 sing the ancient wedding song from 4.

It’s when they kiss after being pronounced man and wife that Johanna has to avert her eyes to the floor.  She’s seen them kiss and hold hands, but knowing that he is officially someone else’s is hard to swallow.  Any hope that Johanna ever had of being married is gone.  Part of her wishes that Finnick would glance at her so she could smirk at him, letting him know that she doesn’t give a damn about him anymore.  He won’t, of course, because he only has eyes for his wife, Annie.

As soon as the folks from District 12 begin to dance to the music of an old violin, Johanna moves off to the side, avoiding the cameras as best as she can.  She doesn’t want to be on camera anymore.  Only after hearing a laugh to her right does Johanna realize that Katniss is standing next to her.  Johanna pinches her arm and smirks at the startled girl.  “Are you going to miss the chance to let Snow see you dancing?” she asks, knowing that this would make her tormenter furious.  Katniss shows realization on her face and goes off into the thick crowd to start dancing.

Eventually, Johanna is roped into the dancing.  She has no idea how to do any of the fancy steps, and it gives her a good excuse to look down at her feet instead of the bride and groom in the center.  Not that she cares, of course.  After a while, Johanna is laughing and smiling with the others around her.  Maybe being happy isn’t so bad, she realizes.

Johanna can’t deny that she’s happy for Finnick and Annie, even though she has memories of Finnick’s terrible past that Annie will never find out or understand.

The humongous cake that was decorated by the deranged—hijacked?—Peeta Mellark is one of the best foods Johanna has ever had.  Or maybe it just seems that way because of the quality of food she had while tortured and now in District 13.  Either way, Johanna goes back for seconds twice, fully aware that she’ll regret it in the morning.

While the crowds begin to line up to brush the couple with long blades of grass as they pass, Johanna looks for someone familiar to stand with.  For once, she hates that no one likes her.  Then she sees Primrose Everdeen and wonders if the girl would mind a crazy line neighbor.  Prim smiles up at Johanna when she moves next to her, and hands her a long piece of grass.

It makes Johanna happy that when Finnick and Annie walk by, she doesn’t really mind that neither noticed her.  In fact, it makes her kind of glad.

* * *

 

_“I’m not the same creature that I was back then.  A slight touch and an honest glance, I’m never coming back, never going back there again.” –_ Apple Trees & Tangerines, “Can You Save Me”

Finnick is blind-sided when Haymitch comes to see him and Katniss after their tests in the Block, saying, “Johanna’s back in the hospital.”  His stomach plummets to the floor out of worry for one of his best friends.  What could have happened?  He regrets not seeing her very much since she was rescued, especially after everything she’s done for him and Annie in order for them to be together.

Katniss is the first to react.  “Is she hurt?  What happened?”

Haymitch is quick to explain, “It was while she was on the Block.  They try to ferret out a soldier’s potential weaknesses.  So they flooded the street.”  Finnick felt his knees weaken.  He had heard that Johanna was tortured by water and electricity in the Capitol and nearly drowned a few times.  There was no doubt in his mind that he was part of the torture process.

“So?” asks Katniss, clearly not understanding.

“That’s how they tortured her in the Capitol,” says Haymitch, echoing Finnick’s thoughts.  “Soaked her and then used electric shocks.  In the Block she had some kind of flashback.  Panicked, didn’t know where she was.  She’s back under sedation.”  Finnick doesn’t know what to do, so he just stands there in silence until Haymitch presses, “You two should go see her.  You’re as close to friends as she’s got.”

Just friends, wonders Finnick?  They used to be more.  He twists the wedding band on his finger around and around without realizing it, but catches himself and stops before anyone could infer anything about their past.  To this day, Finnick isn’t sure who all knows what happened between him and Johanna.

Katniss wants to talk to Boggs again, so Finnick goes down to the hospital alone.  There is a nurse in there when he arrives, but she quickly leaves the room to allow them privacy.  Johanna is staring up at the ceiling, unaware of her changing surroundings.  Finnick leans up against the doorframe, watching her with a half-smile.

After some time passes, Johanna asks, “How’s Annie?”

Instantly, he realizes that Johanna knew he was here the whole time.  “How are you?”

Finnick realizes how much she must still care for him if she’s asking about Annie while she’s in the hospital for a mental breakdown.  “I asked you first,” she says stubbornly, raising an eyebrow and folding her arms across her chest.

He sighs.  “I came here to see you, not to discuss my wife.”  She cringes and he regrets it.  Change the conversation, he commands himself.  “So how are you?”

“What do you think?” she demands bitterly.

Finnick approaches her bed and sits on a chair next to it.  “If I were you, I’d feel kind of shitty.”

She gives half a laugh and a smile.  “You have no idea.  I can’t believe that I can’t go to the fucking Capitol and give that son of a bitch what for.  It’s only what I’ve been training for since I got back.  What are the odds of the Capitol flooding while we’re there?  And I think I’m probably used to electric shock by now, as much as I hate the fucking water.  At least I’m open about it!  It could be worse.  I mean, I’m not trying to kill anybody, like _someone_ we know.  And—”

“Jo,” Finnick interrupts, “calm down.  I know the morphling is wearing you out.  You need to try and get some sleep.”

Her eyes widen and reveal her fear, not power.  She whispers, “But then the nightmares come.”

Finnick takes one of her hands in his.  “Remember what I said to you all those years ago, when we first met?”  He would forever be grateful that she approached him that night on the roof.  She is silent.  “I said that the nightmares never go away.  It’s true, isn’t it?  But as always, you’ll get used to it and get over it.  Just sleep through it.”

“Easy for you to say,” she says.  “You won’t be sleeping alone.  The only time I ever slept well was when I was with—someone else.”  Johanna quickly looks away, knowing that she’s said too much.

“Y’know, I really did care for you, Jo,” Finnick says softly.  “Loved you even.  But only as a sister.  You’re like the sister I never had, Jo.  You’re my best friend.  I’m glad that we helped each other get through hell and back all those years ago.”

“Me, too,” Johanna says.  After a few minutes, she looks up and adds with a smile, “I really am happy for you and Annie, Finnick.  You really are a beautiful couple, and perfect for each other.  I can’t see you with anyone else but her.  And I mean it.”

Finnick doesn’t just smile, but glows, radiating happiness that his best friend has finally accepted his wife.  “Well, we just found out, and I’m not supposed to tell anybody, but I know I can trust you.  Annie’s pregnant.  I’m going to be a father!”

Johanna’s smile grows, but there is still a hint of sadness.  “That’s wonderful!  I couldn’t be happier for the two of you!  You’ll be a great dad, Finnick.”

“Thanks,” he says, but then his eyes turn more serious.  “Look, Jo, if I don’t make it—”

She shakes her head.  “Don’t say that—”

Finnick stops her.  “Please.  If I don’t make it back from the Capitol for whatever reason, will you please take care of Annie and our baby?  You’re the only person I trust to take good care of them, the way I want.  There are others who could, but…I want _you_ to help them, okay?”

“You’re going to be _fine_ , Finnick,” Johanna reassures him.  “They wouldn’t let anything happen to you.  That in of itself would have Panem in chaos.  Whatever would we poor, unattractive souls do without the most beautiful man on earth?”  They both laugh at her dramatics before returning to the magnitude at hand. “Seriously, Finnick, I’ll see you soon.  But if it makes you feel better, I promise that I will do my very best to take care of your family.”

“Thanks, Jo,” he says with a smile.  “Well, I should probably get going.  I think Annie will start to worry if I’m away too long.  She never does well being alone, even if Prim Everdeen or Katniss’ mom is there.”  He stands and begins to head toward the door.  Finnick turns and smiles at Johanna.  “I’ll see you soon, Jo.”

Johanna smiles and gives a weak half-wave.  “Bye, Finnick.”

* * *

 

_“Here’s your ticket, welcome to the tombs.” –_ Regina Spektor, “All the Rowboats”

Panic has already set in, and running through the catacombs of the Capitol is madness.  It stinks because of the sewers and danger is everywhere.  However, the largest threat posed is the one following them through the dim passages.  Mutts.

_“Katniss,”_ they hiss, causing Finnick’s skin to crawl.  He tries not to slip as they walk along a thin ledge along a wall above a pit of toxic waste.  Death behind, death below.  What lies in front of them?  They reach a bridge and cross as fast as they can.  Pollux makes gestures towards a ladder and the group prepares to climb. 

Katniss looks around, confused.  “Wait!” she cries.  “Where are Jackson and Leeg One?”

Homes brushes off the subject by saying, “They stayed at the Grinder to hold the mutts back.”

“What?” she shrieks, leaping toward the bridge to help them.

The conversation briefly continues, but stops when Gale Hawthorne shoots one of his explosive arrows at the bridge, not allowing the mutts to cross.  They are white clawed creatures that seem to be a mix between lizards and humans.  Finnick feels like choking because of the overwhelming smell of blood and roses.  The smell of Snow.  Yes, the mutts are definitely after Katniss, and anyone who gets in their way.

Everyone begins shooting at the mutts as they begin to come across the toxic sewers.  Unfortunately, the star squad (or what’s left of it) is greatly outnumbered and the mutts are practically indestructible.  They won’t stop until they get the blood of the Mockingjay.  Finnick and the rest of the team are forced to retreat, screaming at Katniss to get back because the heinous lizards are mere feet away from her.

Finnick continues to shoot at the mutts while Katniss and several others begin to climb the ladder leading to the above world.  He doesn’t know which place is more dangerous.  When the others are safely on the ladder, Finnick begins to climb.  The mutts begin tearing at his legs, and he shouts in surprise and in pain.  There is light above, if only he could reach it.

The mutts continue to bite at his leg, pulling him down.  It stings at first, but soon he loses awareness of any pain in his legs; it must be the adrenaline.  Finnick loses his grip with one hand, and is hanging onto the ladder only by the other.  He has lost all hope of escaping, and now is focused on allowing the others to escape.  Finnick is pulled to the mutt-covered ground.

He thinks of his home in District 4, the sun rising over the ocean in the east, and setting over the ocean in the west.  Waves crash on the sands of the beach.  He walks into the water, where Annie is waiting with a smile, having returned to her former, happier self.  Finnick kisses her and then hears a shout on the beach.  It is Johanna, afraid to come into the water.  “You’ll have to get over your fear at some point!” he shouts to her, laughing and shaking his head.  Turning back to Annie, Finnick smiles and says, “I love you so much, Annie.  I always will.”  She smiles and kisses him again.

Finnick slides into the dark water and allows the waves to crash over him.

* * *

 

_“Forgive, sounds good; forget, I’m not sure I could.  They say that time heals everything, but I’m still waiting.” –_ Dixie Chicks, “Not Ready to Make Nice”

Life goes on, and as time passes, so does grief.  Johanna can’t say that she was surprised to hear that Finnick sacrificed himself for the others.  That’s the exact sort of stupidly courageous and noble thing he would do.  But now Johanna is spending more and more time with Annie, rather than being alone.  She doesn’t want to go back on her promise.

Not much happens in Panem.  Snow is taken captive; Coin takes over the government.  Katniss, Peeta, and others are in the hospital.  Gale has vanished to District 2.  Haymitch returns to a drunken stupor.  Too many people are gone, lost forever.  There aren’t many people left.

The grief has struck everybody.  Katniss lost Prim—and Gale, because she doesn’t know if it was his bomb that killed her sister—Annie lost her husband, Johanna lost her best friend.  Panem lost the war against itself.  Then again, it won, too.  Funny how things work out to be like that.

Johanna hates these gray uniforms that everyone is forced to wear.  Sure, she doesn’t have anything to call her own, but the clothes are old and everyone matches.  It’s like prison.  Everyone Johanna has seen has been wearing these uniforms, but she hasn’t seen too many people.

Enobaria was found.  She was brought to the Capitol—all the other victors had been killed by Peacekeepers and rebels alike.  Saying that war was ugly is the understatement of the century.  Everyone is wounded, mentally and physically.  How can the world survive like this?

The Victors were a dying breed.  Only a handful were left, each injured in their own ways.  It’s lonely; so much blood on their hands that no one else can relate to.  God, Johanna thinks she sounds miserable.  Her fucking life is miserable.

President Coin places her hands on the table, continuing the conversation Johanna had been ignoring.  “What has been proposed is that in lieu of eliminating the entire Capitol population, we have a final, symbolic Hunger Games, using the children directly related to those who held the most power.”

Shock registers on each victor’s face.  Johanna is the first to speak up.  “What?”

“We hold another Hunger Games using Capitol children.”

“Are you joking?” asks Peeta.  Johanna can tell that the room will be divided. Yes, the Games tore apart the lives of all the victors, and payback would be wonderful.  But is this a humane thing to do?  All the grief and pain that Johanna has suffered throughout her life makes her believe that torturing the people of the Capitol is the best punishment ever.  They killed her family, she’ll kill theirs.  It’s called karma, bitch.

“No,” Coin says. “I should also tell you that if we do hold the Games, it will be known it was done with your approval, although the individual breakdown of your votes will be kept secret for your own security.” 

That makes Johanna a little uncomfortable, but she realizes that she doesn’t really care.  Payback is payback, and the Capitol deserves it.  “Was this Plutarch’s idea?” asks Haymitch.

Coin looks too smug as she says, “It was mine.  It seemed to balance the need for vengeance with the least loss of life.  You may cast your votes.”

Peeta is the first to shout, “No!  I vote no, of course!  We can’t have another Hunger Games!”

Johanna stares at him in disbelief.  “Why not?  It seems very fair to me.  Snow even has a granddaughter.  I vote yes.”

Shockingly to Johanna, Enobaria agrees.  “So do I.  Let them have a taste of their own medicine.”

Peeta is clearly outraged.  “This is why we rebelled!  Remember?”  She has to admit that he has a point.  But her mind has been made and her vote cast, so Johanna remains silent.  “Annie?”

“I vote no with Peeta,” she says softly, rubbing her stomach.  “So would Finnick if he was here.”

That strikes a chord in Johanna.  She isn’t so sure that he would.  “But he isn’t,” she says a little too fiercely, “because Snow’s mutts killed him.”  Because of all the terrible things that happened to him, he wasn’t here.  Johanna bites down on the inside of her cheek to keep herself from crying the tears she hasn’t allowed to fall.  Annie would never know the truth about her husband.

The rest of the votes are cast, with Haymitch deciding that he agrees with Katniss: there will be a final Hunger Games.  Johanna smiles to herself as they get ready to watch the execution.  Finally, the Capitol will get what they deserve.

* * *

 

_“I hear in my mind all of these voices, I hear in my mind all of these words, I hear in my mind all of this music and it breaks my heart.” –_ Regina Spektor, “Fidelity”

The waves crash onto the hot sand, rushing over Johanna’s feet.  She had brought Annie back to her home in District 4 after the fiasco in the Capitol, and had offered to stay with the grieving woman for a while.  It has been a week, and Johanna hates it here.  She can see Finnick everywhere.  Johanna isn’t naturally loving or equipped to take care of others, so trying and failing to help Annie is the most difficult thing she’s ever done.

Even though Johanna has no home, she wants to leave.  But where would she go?

Johanna stares out at the water, gripping the shell-covered box in her hands.  It’s been in her possession for four days and she still hasn’t opened it.  This is the one thing that Finnick left to her in his will.  It seems like a normal box, but is covered in beautiful white seashells.  It seems almost too pretty to be in Johanna’s possession.  But finally, she has something to call her own.

Maybe opening it won’t be so bad.  Maybe it won’t unleash the wrath of hell.  Maybe it could bring her comfort.  She could put her feelings inside the box and no one would ever have to know.  Johanna could keep to herself for the rest of her life.

Biting her lip out of nerves, Johanna’s nimble fingers lift the lid on the box.  The only content in the velvet-lined box is a sealed envelope bearing her name.  It’s Finnick’s handwriting.  She musters up all the courage she has left and opens the envelope carefully, knowing that the last person to touch this was Finnick.  She smiles at the sight of his scrawled handwriting as she unfolds the letter.

_Jo,_ (and Johanna rolls her eyes because he knows she hated when he called her that.  And by hated, she means loved.)

_Thanks for bring Annie back home.  I mean, obviously you did, or you wouldn’t have gotten this.  Just so you know, I made the box.  So if it sucks, you can chuck it.  But you know, you could keep it if you want.  I don’t care.  Anyway, I just want to tell you what your friendship has meant to me. I would never have gotten through this hell of a life without you._

_I never told you this, but that night that you found me on the roof when we first met was supposed to be the last night of my life.  I had been sitting there, about to go to the edge and throw myself off, but then you came and anchored me to the ocean of life.  Thank you for saving me._

_This is really weird.  I mean, I guess I’m dead now or you wouldn’t be reading this.  It’s a strange thought.  Please take care of Annie for a little while longer.  I know that you’re probably sick of District 4 already, and really sick of taking care of my wife.  Bringing her home is more than enough.  And taking care of her puts me forever in your debt.  I can never tell you enough what it means to me._

_I suppose the whole point of this letter is to thank you for everything.  You allowed Snow to prostitute you out to the Capitol citizens so Annie wouldn’t have to.  You took care of me in my darkest times.  You were my best friend.  I could not be the person I am without you, Jo._

_And I feel obligated to tell you how I felt for you for all these years.  I loved you, Jo.  I really, truly loved you.  But Annie needed me.  You’re so independent; you don’t really need anyone to take care of you.  Marrying Annie was the greatest thing that ever happened to me, but so were all those nights spent with you.  If she hadn’t needed me or hadn’t made it through her Games, you better know that you would be the one I would want to spend the rest of my life.  But you’re strong.  You can survive on your own.  I know you’ll do beautifully for the rest of the time you’re on earth._

_See you someday, Jo._

_Finnick_

Johanna wipes tears from her cheeks and knows that she can’t leave Annie.  Yes, she hates being surrounded by memories of him, but how else to honor Finnick’s memory?  Besides, maybe she can tell baby Odair all about his daddy when he is older.  About how great a man he was, how nice he was, how much he loved his wife, what he did to help his country.

Smiling to herself, Johanna looks out at the waves and the setting sun.  It really is beautiful, probably the most beautiful thing she’s ever seen.  It’s no wonder that everyone says that District 4 is the most beautiful place in all of Panem.  Johanna really wouldn’t mind staying here forever.  And if she forgets the world around her and focuses on the ocean, she can almost pretend that Finnick is sitting right beside her.


End file.
